All of the Lessons I Wish I Wouldn’t Have Learned about Dating Relationships

Unless you are lucky enough to marry and live happily ever after with the first person you ever dated, you probably learned lessons while dating.  Some are good like be less selfish and more selfless.  Then there’s those other lessons you learn that maybe you wished you wouldn’t have those lessons that hurt a little more and leave deeper scars.  I have several on my list that I certain wished I wouldn’t have learned. 

1.       Don’t date a project. You can’t change another person he/she have to want to change his/her self.

2.       Making ideas of plans but not actually plans means you will never make plans.

3.       Someone saying they are into you but never doing anything about it equals a superficial relationship.

4.       Someone with goals shouldn’t date someone without goals.

5.       Trusting someone that shouldn’t be trusted leads to problems trusting others that are trustworthy.

6.       Trying to convince yourself you are interested in someone when you aren’t is not worth it.

7.       Saying you are ok with something you are not ok with is worse on you in the long run.

8.       Cheating is never ok; physical or emotional.

9.       There are several different types of love, make sure you both mean the same type.

10.   Not saying what you want in a relationship can lead you into a relationship you don’t want.

11.   Never stay with someone that doesn’t treat you with the same respect that you treat him/her with.

12.   Dating or staying with someone because of fear of being alone will make you more lonely in the long run.

13.   If you wouldn’t let one of your friends be treated the way he/she treats you then why are you let him/her treat you that way?

City Fish Small Pond

City Fish Small Pond

I'm not gonna lie, part of the blog came from perusing through facebook. Facebook gives you an interesting glimpse into people's lives and relationships. It shows you who is dating who and married whom. In some instances you get to spy or infer a few other items but only gives you a partial view of that reality.

The other part of this blog comes from my real life experience of being a dater. Someone that has been going on dates with different people, from different walks of life, and different regions.

I have this theory that many couples from small towns or rural areas end up together more out of comfort and proximity. This is unlike couples from cities and densely populated areas. I believe those couples are more likely to have more complex priorities or expectations of their significant other.

Reason? People that know all of their options want more specific options.

Let's say you are setting out on a fishing trip with your uncle to a pond somewhere in the country. You know the limited selection of fish that are out there in the smaller body of water. You know that the size of the fish and type of fish are fewer than in larger lakes or the ocean. However, the amount of water you have to cover to catch one isn't as great. Therefore, since your expectations are fewer and the area is smaller the chance that you will catch the fish you want is more likely. This is what I believe occurs in less populated and many times more rural areas.

Now try the same scenario and apply it to a city or more densely populated area. The best example is going fishing in the ocean. Ocean fishing is so much more complex than lake fishing. In the ocean there are thousands of fish varieties and a much great range of sizes. In addition the available locations to find fish are much more numerous. In order to fish in the ocean you have to be much more specific about what you are looking for and often have to choose between some pretty complex scenarios.

What ends up happening is those fishing in the city desire a romantic partner with more specific qualities. To their advantage they also have a larger group of people to meet to find those qualities.

The breakdown occurs though sometimes when the city fish is in a rural or less populated area. It becomes harder and harder for him/her to find those specific qualities. Sometimes it seems and is nearly impossible unless perhaps there is another city fish somewhere nearby.

Adversely an issue can occur with the rural fish that is found in the city. The poor rural fish just wants a few things, but when it meets all of the city fish it is nearly impossible for the rural fish to make a city fish happy in a relationship.

I know I'm a city fish. When it comes to a relationship I know I want more than just proximity. My list of wants is specific when it comes to a significant other. Some of them are so specific that the average rural fish get's immediately tossed back. I'm not asking for the perfect match, but I know many of the rural fish I meet aren't good for me in the long-term. I know this because I've dated in a city before and enjoyed the variety available there.

What happens when these two fish meet though? Sometimes a relationship occurs for a while. It might even be a long while, but eventually it becomes obvious that the relationship isn't going to work. More than likely the city fish figured it out first because he/she knows about and possibly sees the other options out there. Meanwhile the rural fish might not have even seen it coming is like a "fish out of water." flipping around trying to figure out what might have gone wrong.

Perhaps though nothing was done wrong. Maybe it was worth the try to see if it would work out. Possibly the relationship was destined to end because it only started because the city fish was living in the small pond.

The Fear of Difficulty

The last time I checked most of the things worth accomplishing in life were not easy. Take for example, graduating from high school, making money, or being a successful athlete. All of these things require an investment of time and energy to be accomplished. Why is it though that we think life should be easy and we shouldn’t have to try hard anymore?

I see this way too often with my students. Sure the end goal is to graduate with a degree, but they lose sight so easily when they have one professor they do not like or one assignment that is a little tough. What has happened to the drive to accomplish a goal no matter what obstacles are in the way? Even worse, why do people give up so easily? When I was in school I just did what I had to pass the class. My Granny taught me at a very young age that you have to do many things in life you don’t want to but you do them anyway. Are people not taught this anymore?

Are we instead taught that if there is not a way to “google” the answer that it is not out there? Do life lessons now include the specific instructions every time and not just a guideline? Is the new thought “when the going gets tough, give up”?

Perhaps what we now have as a society is a fear of difficulty. This is a fear that causes us to avoid things that do not come easily and an apathy regarding doing things that might be difficult. We also refuse to change because it is difficult. Instead of trying to put for the time and effort to do something we just avoid it.

What if instead we faced our fear and tried to do more things that required more effort? What harm can be done by doing something that was difficult instead of trying to take the easy way out? Is it really possible as a society to face our fear of difficulty? I think so and I hope so. I believe it we did actually face this fear of difficulty; we would shocked about how much we can actually accomplish.

Therefore, I encourage us as the average Americans to not be put off by things that do not appear easy at first. We should try for things that take a little more effort and take on new challenges on a regular basis. Sometimes once you get started you realize it was not as difficult as you feared, after all.

Predicting the Future

There is a new way of thinking that I’ve experienced lately. It seems to me that many people think that there are people that can predict their own futures and are therefore able to make better decisions because of these predictions. They seem to believe that choices are made because of sure outcomes rather than people who take chances. Perhaps the subscription of this belief goes as far as to theorize that you cannot make a decision if there is an unpredictable outcome.

Take for example people considering relocating for a job. They want to go and they know it could be a great opportunity, but instead they stay because what if they don’t like the job when they get there. The same thing happens many times with finances. A person would like to have a goal to pay off all of the debt they have but believes it will never happen so they keep making the minimum payment. Then there is my most recent favorite of someone deciding not to enter in a relationship because he/she does not know what is going to happen in the next year.

Wake up people! None of us know what is going to happen in the next six months to two years. Heck, we don’t even know what might happen in the next minute. Decisions are made based off of a calculation of what you know could potentially happen and what you hope will happen. No one can say absolutely for sure that they will have the same friends, living situation, job, location, or relationships in the next year. All of those things can change very quickly leaving us with another unpredictable future.

What should be done then? Take some chances. Make a decision that has some longevity or put things in order for just in cases. Ever heard of if Plan A doesn’t work then try Plan B, or C or D or Z? Try planning for once just to see what options you have out there. Step outside of your box a little and try some new things. You never know, you might actually like something that seems a little scary at first.

Life is about taking risks and chances. Why? Because life itself is a risk and chance. You can never succeed if you never try. So stop sitting on your hands because you are unsure of what is to come. Take an opportunity to step out of your normal routine and see what is possible out there because there is no such thing as predicting the future.

A Walk in the Park vs. the Venus Fly Trap Stance- Why aren’t Guys Required to Change?

I just finished reading an article about another book written from a woman to women about why they aren’t married yet. Although, the items listed in the article were very good points; I still do not understand why there is yet another piece of nonfiction written about how a woman needs to change something to be in a relationship.


Please do not misinterpret what I’m saying here. I’m not saying every woman should be in a relationship regardless of their flaws because all of us (men and women) need to do a little repair from time to time. Rather I am saying why do women have be near perfection before a guy will look her way and guys are just allowed to be who they already are.

The next questions that come to my mind are: Why do women accept men for who they are without requiring some kind of change prior to being in a relationship with them? Why aren’t our standards higher so that if they are not meeting our criteria we want we don’t even look their way? Can we not require higher standards? If we do require higher standards will they be met?

In my realm of conversation I’ve heard both guys and girls complaints about singleness. However, I can definitely say when a guy talks about singleness he’s not talking about how he needs to be more of a gentleman, get rid of his bad habit of fill in the blank, or change his irrational thought that the woman he is going to marry is going to be a 36-24-36 type. Instead he is usually saying why do these girls have such unrealistic standards as: I should have a job, I should go to church, I should pay for meals, and/or we should talk on a regular basis. He might also be saying with words or by his actions that his clothing, conversation topics, and commitment level are his own business. Sometimes he’s even says, I should get laid by x or y time period or I’m out.

Guess what? There is no one out there writing a bunch of books about why this dude should change in order to get a woman. Instead it seems that guys are just allowed to be whomever they are and still get to have a woman. Then after he has that woman in his terms of the relationship, she’s crazy if she wants him to change something about who he is. Do you see part of the problem here?

It’s almost as if all I guy has to do to get into a relationship is to take a walk in the park. If a woman wants to be in a relationship she must be in Venus Fly Trap stance with the perfect look, smell, and location in order to perhaps catch a guy. What is up with the double standard here? Why don’t guys have to change?

10 Reasons Why Our Culture prevents us from Successful Marriage

1. Proximity is Not an Issue
2. Dreams of Fairytales and Swimsuit Models
3. Selfishness and the Inability to Self-Sacrifice
4. The Inability to be Flexible
5. Overwhelming and Instant Communication
6. Over-occupation (Too Many Things to Do)
7. The Grass is Greener and there’s Always plentyoffish.com
8. The Non-Necessity of a Partner
9. You Can’t Make Someone Else Change or Want to Change
10. The Inability to Commit

It won’t take you pondering long to realize how non-conducive our society is for relationships. I believe these next ten points can certainly be applied to the married and unmarried regarding the effects our society and culture can have on our opportunities for successful relationships. If you’re already married take heed. For those of us hoping for marriage someday, regardless of relationship status, take notice. One or many of these could be you or someone you’re interested in.

1. Proximity is Not an Issue
Back in the day when marriage came about because of who your neighbors were and/or who visited them, the opportunity to marry someone from the other side of the country was rare. This worked really well because, well you just “fell in love” and got married to someone who was the most suitable and then made it work. Think of all the sweet love stories we hear about couples celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. They know how to make the best of their relationship regardless of how they met. A million choices of who to be with wasn’t really an option so they worked with what they had. Sometimes choice isn’t the best scenario when deciding on a life-long partner. Gasp, you mean you can really have love with someone that isn’t a perfect fit? Surprisingly so and people have been doing it for years!

Proximity in this situation also means that more than likely both parties involved came from similar cultural, environmental, and societal norms. It just turns out that the more common couples have in those areas, the easier it is to connect.

2. Dreams of Fairytales and Swimsuit Models
Let’s just be honest here, most things that we take in come out. It can either be from our mouths or just in our head that leads to our actions. Therefore, the more fairytales we believe about the amazingly always romantic and non-faltering prince or the perfect not a blemish or dimple on her body super model, the more we put a spouse on some sort of unattainable pedal stool.

Think of these thoughts as some sort of beautiful Frankenstein created by all of your favorite attributes. In the end the person will not always act or look like what you want? You might as well force yourself to get over that fantasy if you ever want to have a successful marriage. Especially considering that you yourself are not a perfect princesses or a GQ model.

3. Selfishness and the Inability to Self-Sacrifice
Face it! We are very selfish people. This is nothing new but because of our ability to get most things we want, we somehow believe we deserve to have it our way. When in all actuality we could benefit from a good deal of self-denial. I’m not saying give until you’re empty and frustrated because you compromised way too much. Rather think about giving more. You might be surprised about how much easier and fulfilling your life and relationships can be.

4. The Inability to be Flexible
Hand in hand with sacrifice is flexibility. Whether you are trying to meet your spouse later in life or are trying to figure out how to keep living with them; you must know how important it is to be flexible. Bend for the situation and try not to get your undergarments in a twist so easily. You will more than likely be surprised at how good it can feel and how the other reciprocates.

5. Overwhelming and Instant Communication
Reba’s song “Why Haven’t I Heard from You” comes to mind when I think about this. At most points during the day we have 7+ different ways we can communicate: in person, phone call, text message, email, social network, instant message, letter, and I’m sure I’m missing something.

With all these also comes the frustration of not hearing soon enough and not hearing right away. Believe it or not there can be a benefit for having to wait to communicate. Perhaps we’ve heard about thinking before we speak? It can also be beneficial to have less opportunity to say the wrong thing. Most importantly we could all use a good lesson in shutting up and when to shut off. Surprisingly, it is kind of important sometimes to not be connected to the phone or internet in order to truly absorb the time and presence of someone else.

6. Over-occupation (Too Many Things to Do)
Think of your average day and how much actual downtime you really have. I mean real time when you are not at work, getting something ready, driving, checking things on the internet, watching TV, or attending an event. If you’re single how you do fit someone into that and if you’re married where is there room for quality time? I’m not saying we should be bored but given the opportunity it might be necessary to do less in order to do more for a relationship.

7. The Grass is Greener and there’s Always plentyoffish.com
When do you decide that I’m going to stick to this because it’s a good thing instead of thinking who else is out there? For some people this thought never ends even if they’re married. Stop it! You’ll just end up eating grass from a strange field and still feeling unsatisfied. Most times instead of plentyoffish.com all you really need is a reminder of how great the person you already have is. Stand back and make a positive list if you need to, but please don’t forget to at least consider that person’s positives while you are fantasizing about someone else’s who is not your reality.

8. The Non-Necessity of a Partner
In case we haven’t noticed, we mostly no longer live on farms or need a mom and pop to run the family business. Heck, children aren’t even needed anymore to help out with the family doings. To go further, spouses aren’t even required for providing the necessities of life or social events for status. That means it is no longer necessary to find a spouse to marry. Thank you society and culture, except for the fact that most of us are designed for companionship. Unfortunately, since it is not required we are never forced to actually do something about the desire for companionship. What does that equal? Maybe bunch of people not trying to be in a fulfilling relationship because their circumstance does not require them to be. Is this really benefitting us?

9. You Can’t Make Someone Else Change or Want to Change
Whether you’re in a committed marriage or trying to decide if your last date can turn into something more; one of the most important things you can learn about in any relationship is that you can’t make people change. So don’t start a relationship with someone that you can’t be with if they cannot change certain things about themselves.

What really needs to be done is you decide if you can get with him/her or stay with him/her regardless of change. It just happens to turn out many times that the best way to create an environment for change is the have an environment of support.

10. The Inability to Commit
If anyone tries to tell me we don’t have these issues as a society I could in 2 seconds have you mention a friend or family member that can’t commit. It’s an epidemic. The strangest part is how easily we commit to gym memberships, phone contracts, and leases/mortgages. However, when it comes to another living breathing human being it is not possible to commit to something that you’ve already spent a month of Friday’s investing in. Take a chance, that’s what all of those other commitments are about anyway. The future is and will always be uncertain.

Worry…Borrowing Problems

I myself am not a woman that worries. It’s not how I’m wired nor is it how I operate. To me it is a waste of time and effort. I’d rather trust that things will be taken care of, than worry about them.

I heard a quote once that said, “Worrying is borrowing problems.” I totally agree. People can get so caught up fixating on a situation and worrying about its outcome that they in fact “borrow” or create problems in the present.

Why do that? Why create more of a problem by worrying? Why not trust that it will come out alright?

It could be because we do not have the ability or the tools to trust. This form of trust comes from genealogy, environment, and belief beyond us. It may not be in your genes to trust; perhaps no generation of your family has been able to live without worry. There might not have ever been in your environment, people who do not worry. If your mother was a worrier whether by genes or environment you are more likely to be a worrier, because it is a learned trait. Worriers don’t always know that it will be alright if they don’t worry.

It might be that they just don’t have a knowledge that it will be alright unless they worry. They don’t actually know that whether we worry or not, it doesn’t make a difference in the outcome. They think that we have to worry because that is the only way to help solve the problem and that our worrying actually makes a difference in the resolve. It is as if they are trying to worry enough about it because if they don’t, there is not something bigger than themselves that can take care of it.

Perhaps the issue is that they don’t have anything or anyone bigger than them to trust to take care of them and the problem. To me, that person is God. He is big enough to trust. I choose to trust Him instead of worrying. He is even big enough to see the resolve and see the big picture. Someone deciding to worry is choosing not to trust God.

Does that mean everything is totally ok then if I’m trusting God? I would ay no. But, we are not called to worry. It doesn’t help us with the situation, rather it hurts us. Worriers have more tendencies towards health and mental issues due to the fixation on the problems. Someone who is a worrier is more likely to have ulcers and anxiety than a non-worrier. Worriers also have the potential of harmed relationships due to the guilt produced from worry.

From example, I do not worry very much, I may find myself concerned from time to time, but that involves me asking about something then letting it go. When I find out someone is worrying about me it actually makes me more distant from them. Mostly because I feel guilty that they are concentrating on something I may be doing and not letting it go. Then to get rid of the guilty feeling I distance myself from that person. I’d rather them just ask me about it if they have to, then let it go.

We are not called to worry whether you are a believer or not. You can see by various evidences that worry actually has no important purpose. Worry does not solve problems, action does. Worrying does not change situations, people change situations. Worry also does not create healthy emotions like trust and faith rather it distracts from them.

So may I please ask you to look inside yourself and truly find out why you are worrying? Does it really have a valid reason to be in your life? Does it really make a difference or is it just borrowing problems?