Churches vs Bars

Churches and Bars are two buildings and places for people to gather that probably have the least amount of things in common. Problem is I don’t think that is a good thing. What if churches were more like bars?

If a church was more like a bar, they wouldn’t care how many other churches you had attended previously. They also wouldn’t care how many churches you are currently attending. (I currently go to two churches, gasp!) I mean really, the fellow patrons at the bar sometimes encourage bar hopping, but church hopping, now that is a religious offense. How dare you go and hear God’s word from another preacher. Sure it’s nice to be loyal, they even made a TV show after a bar that had enough loyalty that “everybody knows your name” They also didn’t refuse to recognize someone when they had visited the bar down the street. What if many churches knew our name?

At church it shouldn’t matter what type of person you are, you should be able to join in, just the way you are. You rarely see the bartender refusing to serve, but when it comes to church we feel like we have the right to refuse service. Jesus was never about refusing service. He hung out with the outcasts and social misfits. He might have even stepped inside a bar to see them and meet their needs.

What if people didn’t get offended so easily? At comedy clubs, another type of bar, you rarely see someone walk out because the joke offended them. They just simply laugh it off and move on. Couldn’t we do that at church? Some churches can, believe it or not. True story: I went to a churches’ singles event one night and the comedian poked and made fun of the “Christianese” things we do. Thankfully this was a strong and special church, because the congregation just sat there and laughed at jokes when they made fun of the things church people do. When we all know good and well, had they happen in some churches there would have been some committee meeting shortly there after and it wouldn’t be to decide when the next social even would be.

We could be more real with one another, if our church was more like a bar. There wouldn’t be an unspoken requirement to pretend like we are perfect. Instead there would be a spoken loudness that we all make mistakes and are all just trying to make it the best we can, with what we have. It’s okay to share your failures with friends or strangers at a bar. Wouldn’t our churches be better if we could do the same there and still be treated fairly?

“I go to such and such bar because my family does.” When was the last time you heard that? However, when hear it about church it is supposed to make sense? Yes many times faith is a heritage passed down through generations. That doesn’t mean that you can only go to a certain church because it’s the one your family goes to. After all, people don’t limit their bar selection based on where their relatives went or go.

Maybe our mindset would change if we thought of a church in similar terms that we would a Bar.

At a bar when someone says they miss you, it means we haven’t seen you in a while and miss hanging out with you or that they noticed you hadn’t been around in a while. It also means the same thing at a church, but people interpret it to mean that “you are a backslider and how dare you miss church.” No one ever said that’s what they meant when they say they miss you, it just gets interpreted that way.

People can go to a bar anytime the doors are open, which usually ends up being most of the week and there is someone to hang out with you almost every time. They are just there, greeting you at the end of your hard day. Could a church not have a “happy hour” too? A time that right after work people just meander in an sit around to just to let their hair hang down and relax.

When at a bar we expect there to be hypocrites there and we are okay with it. Why? Because people in general are hypocrites. There are many special circumstances that occur in life and cause us to go against what we think, believe, or preach. We don’t mean to say one thing and do another, but something gets the best of us. Maybe, just maybe the same thing can happen with church people? They don’t mean for it to, but it happens and they may seem like a hypocrite. In a bar it would just get laughed off, in a church, people get their panties in a bind.

The people are nice at bars; some people attribute this because they are drunk. However, I’ve never heard anyone complain because the people were too nice at a certain bar. The other day though, one of my friends claimed that my church friends were too nice. WHAT?!?! Since when is that a problem?

“If I go once they will expect me to come back.” I’ve never heard that as a complaint about a bar, but to be welcomed back at church must be a fear for some people.

Of course many of the previous examples were based on assumptions that Church goer’s and Bar goer’s have. Though I can’t help but see the validity in some of these statements. We can learn a great deal about our “target audience” by observing their actions. Likewise they learn from us too, let’s just hope that the image of Christ is portrayed, instead of the perception of some churches. Unless of course your Church is more like a bar.

Only Two Hours Away

My friend Hannah left me a voicemail wondering why I couldn’t live in Connecticut with her, because if I did, I would be no more than two hours away from her. Meaning at any point in time, all either one of us would have to do, is drive two hours to see each other. Which is much closer than the 10+ that we would have to drive now.

I would go see her too, two hours is nothing. Heck we lived three hours away from each other and we would hang out once a month. (Unfortunately, we both moved to different states, since then). I miss those times too, because after seeing her that often for at least 6 years, I now haven’t seen her since November. It doesn’t totally seem that way because we talk on the phone often enough, but there is just something about spending time in person with your friends.

Man have I learned this lesson over the last couple months too, because now I don’t live anywhere near any of my old friends. None of them are two hours away. I sure am glad I took advantage of the short two hour trips when I could. People always wondered why I traveled so much, it’s because you should never take for granted the ability to only drive a short while to see people you care about.

That is why I am going to be driving 2 hours this very week to see my BSU director from college. I couldn’t imagine not taking the trip; I mean who knows when she will be this close again.

My friend Derek was telling me that he couldn’t believe how often I make it a priority to go back to Missouri. Pretty much he was astounded that I would fly up in September just to go to my God Brother’s reception. To me there was no question; I was going to be there. Derek can’t even rationalize driving two hours to see multiple friends.

I don’t mean to be picking on Derek specifically; I have other people I know that do the same. I also know money can be an issue, but I guess I also believe in the motto “where there is a will there is a way” I have a will to maintain friendships with these people. I wouldn’t have it any other way. It doesn’t matter to me how much money it might cost, I got a 2nd job so that I can go and do. So for me, I am taking that two hour drive and that 5 hour flight and many more trips to come to see the people who matter most to me. Don’t worry Hannah we will see each other soon enough.

Where are all the Christian Guys?

Some girls and I had a pow-wow recently. My girls and I know we need to only date guys who are Christians. We understand the reason why we shouldn’t date non-Christians. But it seems like Christian guys are few and far between. Or maybe they are just hiding?

If they are hiding we would like to know where. We have looked at churches, coffee houses, events, and everywhere else the general public hangs out. Unfortunately, our search has ended up empty handed over and over again. Not that we are in anyway discouraged. We are strong individuals and as steadfast as the woodpecker that has to beat into hardwood in order to retrieve its treasure.

Does the treasure exist though? They have to, I’ve seen them attached to other females and lurking in the foyer. Maybe they are just a really sneaky breed that likes to dodge social circles or anything fun. Perhaps their courting tactics are not what we are used to and they miss being in our “target” range. I’ve even heard tale of them appearing in random grocery stores and on occasion at poker nights.

Rarely though, do I see them turn up where there is a large group of single girls. Maybe they are trying to play up their exoticness by making themselves scarce. Perhaps they like laying under the radar. Maybe they aren’t mature enough yet to handle a daughter of God. Or quite possibly they just forgot to show up.

My guess is some of them might be currently in a relationship or considering dating someone. I have no problem with either of those. As long as they are done with the right mindset and with God’s permission. I love hanging out with awesome Christian couples, of course while asking the guy if he has any friends that are single ;) not just for me, but for my girls too.

My fear though is that they are wasting valuable time with irrational conquests. My friend Christina said it best (this is a paraphrase), “Why are they allowed to waste time on dating girls that don’t care about them or a serious relationship? How is it that they get to go after the heartbreakers and try to conquer the flesh of the eyes? What makes them get the choice to date all the wrong girls and finally decide they don’t want to settle for 2nd best which makes them finally come after us? When we are just supposed to be patient and wait for them to finally see what is right in front of their face? Then we have to mend their broken hearts and put back the pieces of what others have shattered.”

I do not believe it is fair at all! Why is it that the females are called to be patient? Why do we have to sit back and watch them stumble over this and that girl, when we could probably give them warning and lead them in the right direction (not that they would listen, believe me I’ve tried). I have thought about resolving to sit back and watch these guys fall on their faces after following meaningless conquests, but it’s a cruel thing to do and it happens so often it has gotten boring.

I suppose I could get angry at the selfish girls too. The ones that take the good guys and snatch them away to use as toys. Especially with their being a shortage of Christian guys. Sure its nice feeling to get the attention but please for the sake of the rest of us, don’t deceive. It is specifically mentioned in the Bible as a sin. Plus thereafter is the healing factor for the guys. So not only are they off the market because you wanted a little chew toy, they also have to take time to heal from those wounds. Notice I said heal from those wounds not learn from them, because man do I know it takes nothing short of a miracle for them to actually learn. Then it might as well be the 2nd coming of Christ before they actually follow through with what they have learned.

Why is it that they get all of us to choose from, or so they think? While we just get the broken and battered? Does it make this species more attractive after they have battle scars? I’m not really thinking so, especially since I know women who are dating divorced guys and they be working the rest of their lives to heal the wounds from the previous marriage. Not that it makes the guy any less desirable, he just comes with a few more needs, which thankfully us good Christian women are good at helping him meet.

So the search continues for this rare species. Our hope is to find him fully intact and available. We want one that knows what he wants and comes after it. Perhaps he might be broken, battered, and abused. There might also be a possibility he is just shy and timid. Whatever the circumstance, God will provide after patience has prevailed and we will be delivered our opportunity to experience this courtship. With what seems to be the most rarest of species, the Christian guy.

Partial Truths

It is very interesting how things get shared sometimes. Someone starts sharing a story and filling us on all of the gruesome details. Perhaps their storytelling skills are so good you cannot even take your attention away. Their facts are totally believable too, accept you find out later not all of the facts were included. Sometimes you think you are getting the whole story, when you are only getting the partial story or someone perspective of what happened.

There is still another person that should have been mentioned or a detail disclosed, that could change whole situation. Maybe the storyteller didn’t mean to change the story. They just missed an item or two that were probably more valuable than they thought.

Possibly, the storyteller did tell the whole truth based on their perspective. Perhaps, they didn’t realize that Sara was on the phone the whole time or that the group had eaten there before. So their story was totally valid, in their head.

However, another phenomenon also exists, the exclusion of facts. This is done intentionally and deliberately, the storyteller knows exactly who or what will be left out of the story. Their goal is to have you see the story as they would have, had it happen.

Most people do this in order to protect their audience. For example, a guy tells a friend of his that he didn’t catch any fish this past weekend. Of course he did catch some, but his friend couldn’t come, and he just didn’t want to brag. Plus, he already ate his catch so no one will know. Just to clarify here, I am not saying that it is okay to do this, I am just letting you know that it happens.

The other intentional reason of excluding facts is to protect the storyteller. Maybe the child wasn’t supposed to be at the park. So if they exclude the fact that a seesaw was involved in the scraping of their arm, punishment will be avoided.

Sometimes in life, partial truths are used to manipulate someone into being what you want them to be or what you want them to think. Suppose the storyteller had lived a hard life, but didn’t want to burden their listener with the gory details or receive pity. So the partial truth is given instead. As a means of remaining light-hearted and breezy, even when the information they could share is very heavy.

Partial truth can also be given to spare the listener responsibility. One of the better examples of this is when a child asks, where babies come from. A lot of times this question is asked when the child is not at an area where they can handle the responsibility of knowing the full answer. So a form of the truth is given as substitute, to protect them from the weight of the true answer.

Like it or not, partial truths are here to stay. It can be very annoying, especially when you are on the receiving end, but they serve their purpose. They allow in one way or another, the message to be shared in its own special way.

As storyteller, we must remember our own frustrations when receiving partial truths and strive to share a more completed version of our stories or at least not leave out the important details. Then when we are the audience we need to make sure to be an active listener and ask te important questions that might make

The Difficulty of Having People Who Care

It’s cute, but I love it! My family and friends always want the best for me. Whether it’s a career, friendship, health, wealth, or relationship; they seem to be at a constant concern for my life. I know they just want to see me happy and I appreciate that. They are my biggest fans and I am more than thankful for them being my cheerleaders.

Sometimes it’s hard though, because as much as I want something to happen, if it doesn’t happen I feel like they get let down too. Say a friendship of mine gets blown and we decide to part ways, they hurt for me too. When I was career searching last fall, there were too many times when I had to just let them know that again it didn’t work out. It even got to the point that I stopped talking to some of them for a couple weeks because it was hard enough being let down myself, then I had to let them know too. It was just easier to not let them know about the prospects, and then I was the only one who had to be concerned with the next step.

It is also nice to rejoice with them when I have successes. Especially when I got my current job, they were full of comments like, “we knew you could do it” and “I am so glad someone recognized your talent.” It is like twice the excitement! I know they will also be there cheering me on for the rest of my life’s successes.

I suppose the most difficult part of this, is the one that neither I nor they can control. There was only so much control I had over the next job I got and whether or not a friendship worked out. It seems though; I have the least amount of control in whether or not I am in a relationship. This is even harder sometimes because both my family and friends want me to be in one.

This difficulty is not because they are pressuring me for marriage or children. Rather it is because they think it is time to see me happily invested with someone else. Someone who will fill a part in my life, like their significant others do for them. Even my single friends want me to be with someone who is deserving of me. Problem is who? Sure I want it to work out, especially if my family, friends, and I are thinking of the same person. What if who we think and they think should be that person, doesn’t work out.

I know it will hurt for me, but it will hurt them a little too and that makes it harder for me. I can deal with my feelings and remain just friends, but I think it would be easier to do that if my family and friends hadn’t wanted it too. Maybe it makes me feel like a failure to them, but why should it? After all, I was only partially in control and I can never change what someone else feels.

In the end God’s Will, will be known and His hand is on everything. I thank Him for the people he has given me in my life. I guess what this proves to me is that in a relationship, my partner should be a fan and cheerleader of me too. If he’s not, then he’s not for me, because I certainly will be on his side of the court cheering him on. If he doesn’t want the best for me too, then we just cannot be.

As difficult as it might be at times, I will continue on with the biggest fans of my life, on my side. Someday they will get to cheer on a relationship success for me too. They will also get to cheer on many other successes and I will get to cheer them on as well. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I just wish the things that just don’t work out, were easier on me and them though.

Patience in Relation to ADD

Patience is a virtue, something we should strive for, in our lives. We all have our ways of increasing our ability to be patient. Such as self-denial, prayer, fasting, practicing, waiting, and learning through experiences. Some of us use ADD as an outlet for patience. Many forms of this type of ADD are as distractions.

By using ADD I mean that we busy ourselves in order to appear patient. Suppose someone is looking for a job. Maybe the Lord has called them to be patient and He will provide. Someone with the ADD form of patience might go out and get several interviews and even take on a couple of part time jobs to fill the time, when they were supposed to be being patient. Sometimes we were called to stay patient and put out resumes. Then by not being ADD you can go to that random interview because you aren’t tied up with the distraction or part time job.

Another example might be making impulsive decisions about what to eat. I know I’ve stopped by random fast food restaurants or grabbed a TV dinner just to not have to wait. When, if I would have just focused long enough to see what opportunities were afforded and not been impatient about my dinner the outcome could have been very different. There could have been an opportunity to make a delicious and more affordable meal at home. Maybe the possibility to eat out and fellowship with a friend might have come up. However, we were being too busy filling up our stomachs and forgetting to be patient.

One of the scariest ways we do this as a single is filling our lives with distractions so it is easier to have dating ADD. This can be done in three ways. The first is by filling our lives up with activities. A lot of times it is so full there not time for a possible significant other. This can come to the point of not taking the opportunity to meet with people of the opposite sex. Some women have only women’s Bible studies, a girls night, an art class, and a full schedule of “ chick flicks” that doesn’t even allow the chance for them to meet any men.

The second is a by filling our lives with so many possibles to date that we don’t take time to truly invest in them personally. This is when someone amounts a great deal of dates or friends of the opposite sex, as prospects. It is too easy to play the comparison game during this time. Of course there will always be someone who is better at this or that. The point is, you shouldn’t be looking for the perfect 10 overall, you should be looking for the slightly imperfect 10 that fits you. So obviously fishing through streams of men or women is not being patient and it’s being very ADD when dating.

Beneficial friends and “in the meantime” relationships are also forms of ADD rather than patience. I’m sorry but no you aren’t patiently waiting when you have a make-out buddy on call or a not-so-serious dating relationship. Besides, both of these can be harmful to your next potential relationship. So lets just focus on the actual relationship we want and not keep fill it with things that can easily distract us.

When you have ADD instead of patience, it is easy to see you are distracted by the things of this world. Your eyes have left the higher prize and you might just be settling for quick fixes instead of long-term solutions. What is patience really? It is a moment of waiting and edifying yourself during a small space in time. It’s an actual point in life where we can stop and just improve our strategies and ourselves.

Patience is not a time of stagnation. Although it takes a long time for water from Colorado, to flow into the gulf, it still happens. It may even create a portion of a canyon in the process, but that is all a part of the flow. Allow those times in your life when you are required to be patient, form you and mold you into the best person you are supposed to be. So that when the outcome arises you can be there ready to embrace it not distracted so much that you miss it.