The Process of Finding Our Identity in as a Part of a Couple

My sister got married to her husband of 4 years, when she was 18 and he was 19. At that time both of them sort of knew who they were and what they needed in a relationship. There was also a lot to be found out.

It has been discovered by many psychological theorists that between the ages of early adulthood (18-24), a person goes through a series of discoveries about who they are as an individual. Sometimes it happens during this period and for others it happens later. This is when your own personal world view develops, although it is some-what shaped by others.

Also during this time you begin to discover how the products of nurture and nature have created you into a unique being. Beyond that you start to have an identity outside of your family. Many of their beliefs and understandings may be similar, but they take on a personal trait within your personality.

I learned a lot about myself during this stage of development. I found out that the boys I liked in high school would have been totally wrong for me. I also began to discover those traits that were uniquely mine. That helped me determine which characteristics I appreciated in the opposite sex and which ones I crinkled my nose about. Prioritizing those characteristics I needed in a relationship versus things that aren’t that important, became apparent during this time. Some people call this being picky or trying to find the perfect man. I call it trying to find someone I’m compatible with.

Since my sister and her husband were so young when they married, they got to go through this stage together. Were they lucky or better off? I don’t know if I could determine that either way. They just got to go through the stages together. So their world view and what they want in a relationship is shaped by each other. Don’t get me wrong it was hard work for them and their work has not ended. But they continue to become what each other needs. Sort of like they started out as a semi-blank slate then got to fill in each others connecting dots.

It doesn’t always work out that way though and sometimes during those trying times couples break up. They determine they are not what each other needs. Sometimes this period can wedge a couple apart and they will keep trying to make it work, but it just doesn’t. My sister and her husband did succeed in this part of their journey so far, and both of them continue to cooperate in order to end up successful in the end.

Me on the other hand, I went through that stage on my own. I didn’t have anyone to model after. No one modeled after me either. So now instead of just drawing a picture together, we get to take the already partially drawn picture and assemble the puzzle. Which I admit is a little more difficult in some ways and a little easier in others.

I am by no means looking for the perfect fit. I am however, continuing to look for a good fit. At least good enough that a picture starts to form. Then we can fill in the rest of the picture with characteristics we develop together.

It takes a while though and I’ll definitely need helps along the way. I’m taking it as slow as I can though. I don’t want to hurt anyone, but I know when the pieces don’t fit right, the pieces aren’t meant to be together.

Would my sister and her husband be together now if they hadn’t met back then and gone through this stage separately? That is not for us to ask. What I do know is that even though we may find people in different ways, eventually each couple that is meant to be finds each other. No matter how they go through the stages of developing their personality.