Truth

Even the smallest truth can change the simplest dynamic. It can make it change totally from one way of thinking to the complete opposite. A situation can appear one way then end up completely different, based upon a truth.

It’s the one thing we always believe we can handle, but really can we? Are we able to deal with the change that a truth can bring about? Will it actually make things different in a good way, once it is known?

Even good truth is hard to “handle” sometimes. Would it be easier to not know it, and allow the behaviors of the unknown to continue? If you don’t know it’s there, it’s sometimes easier to behave in unknowledge than to fix the behaviors when you know the truth.

Sometimes the truth doesn’t actually set you free. Instead it just changes the way you have to deal. You can’t just not deal with the truth if you’re being responsible, you must deal with it. It has to be recognized and addressed.

Do we really want it, the truth?

I believe the teen show Gossip Girl said it best, “Truth, it sets you free and binds you all at the same time.”

Are we ready for the binding? Do we really want it to set us free? Are we truly willing to be bound for this freedom? Can we really handle the truth?

All the Things I Can’t Say

A person without a censor can be a dangerous thing. Censoring keeps us safe and out of trouble. It keeps feelings from being hurt and emotions protected. The things I can’t say remain unsaid partially because of this censor.

These unsaid things remain in my thoughts and tumble through my emotions. They linger in their screaming silence. Lying beneath the surface, docile as they can be, appearing to not say a word. Sometimes rattling the bars of safety, where they are constrained. Still though, they seem safe for me and safe for you.

The things I can’t say probably shouldn’t be said. They probably should just remain in my thoughts. Their purpose may be meaningless or their questions might not actually have answers.

I have trouble leaving them there though, so at times they get said to someone else. They were meant for you, but I can’t say them to you. So I end up saying them or similar things to someone else. A someone who has not forbidden me to say things or ask questions.

I want to tell you and be truthful to you, so I am truthful to him. I wanted you to tell me how you feel, but you won’t so I tell him how I felt. I want to tell you that you should have just let me know, but I can’t say that to you, so I say that to him.

It was meant for you, but I couldn’t say it to you.

All the things I can’t say, I said, so I could get them out. So you wouldn’t have to suffer through those unspoken words. I said them, so I could still be able to communicate to you through the silence. I said them, but not to you.

What I wish though, is that I could say them to you. Wish that I didn’t have to swallow my words to you, that I could have just told you instead. Even though I’ve said things I still find myself longing to say all the things I can’t say, to you.

Fate

Why do we sometimes say it is fate that people end up together in a relationship? Isn’t that a disturbing word to use? Especially since the word fate can have such negative connotations.

Fate could mean that these certain bad things must happen in order to set up the good things to happen. Sort of like needing to go through the trenches in order to come out victorious. Having bad relationships in order to have good ones or knowing what a good relationship is because of bad ones. It’s like needing to meet people who aren’t for you or not meeting people at all; just so when the timing is right you can meet the one your fate leads you to.

Fate can mean having to be patient and wait for the right time and proper circumstances. Those things are not very much fun. It could mean being persistent even though you do not know the outcome, which is similar to waiting to exhale. Who wants not to breathe? You are sitting in a moment or what appears to be a moment, without truly knowing the outcome. Letting life continually go on around you, with part stagnating just to see what fate has to offer.

Maybe that is why Webster’s dictionary defines fate as: the circumstances that befall someone or something.

It gives us as human beings no control or knowledge about what is to come. You cannot know on your own what fate will bring your way, when it will bring it, and why. Instead you must continue through life not knowing how long or if fate is working on you. This could cause you to question your circumstances and try to determine if you need to do anything in order to have fate work for you.

It happens though; it’s your fate, a circumstance that has befallen on you. You are given that opportunity to make it work. Work for the rest of your life and to use the things you have learned along the way to help you with it. Things learned while fate had you waiting or experiencing.

Why though must it be fate? Why can’t we not have circumstances that lead to our befall? Can’t we make it even though we don’t have those learning experiences and spaces of time involved? Can’t we just know sooner what will happen and who we will end up being with, so that we don’t have to wonder? Is it really that important to involve fate, in the first place?

I guess that’s why it is more than necessary for me to have FAITH instead of fate. “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” The Bible, King James Version. I know as a human, I cannot handle the things I do not know or the evidence I cannot see. However, I can have faith that my creator God can work things out for His glory.

I believe God will only allow things and people in my life that I can handle with His help. He comforts me and causes me to not have to understand. I wouldn’t want it any other way and I could not do it any other way. My faith about His interventions, in my life, is what keeps me from being caught up in the negativity of fate. Our relationship keeps me in a place where faith proves to be more powerful than fate can ever be, and for that I am ever grateful. I am not alone in this world and I have someone greater than this world to be secure in and lean on. Take that…fate.

Treating a Cough by Drinking Motor Oil

Sometimes something strange conquers our immune system. It causes sluggishness, a slight chill, and an irritating tickle in our throat. We can’t tolerate the slight irritation so air is quickly forced through our esophagus and a cough comes out. An alarm must go off in some of our minds. One that has been programmed since birth. It screams so silently that we listen to it without even knowing. We go to the cabinet full of chemical combinations that could be toxic to small rodents. Our eyes search for that “comforting” color scheme that says, “swallow me and all your irritations will go away.”

Does it really work though? What does that thick liquid with 10% alcohol actually do for our level of homeostasis?

I believe many times it’s the thoughts that thus and such will make me “feel” better is actually what improves our symptoms and not actually the chemicals that were put in the body.

We do that in life too. Life’s irritations “bug” us. Whether it’s an argument, loss of finances, unhealthy relationships, hypocritical people, or a bad day; we get bugged. These irritations happen throughout a lifetime and whether we realize it or not, they affect our life. How we deal with them effects our emotional health.

As a culture we treat even our emotional health like a cough and just say ine-meenie-minee-mo about a cough syrup or maybe even our favorite cough drops. Rather than addressing the actual cold virus that was causing the cough. For out life our favorite cough drops translate into: alcohol, drugs, poor relationships, promiscuity, and eating disorders. None of these things actually help us. Rather they hurt us and make the problem worse.

The scariest part is sometimes treating the symptoms of our emotional health can appear healthy, such as excessive cleaning, exercising, or overly helping others. Same as taking Excedrin will make the headache go away so it must be solving the problem and so we take it every time. Yet neither Excedrin nor doing things in excess is really solving the problems. They are just temporary “fixes” without getting to the root of what is actually wrong.

It’s kind of like treating a cold by drinking motor oil. It does nothing to get to the real problem that is causing the symptoms. Taking medicine may just be treating the symptoms and a lot of time in life we continually treat the symptoms but never address the problem.

When we are just treating the symptoms, we might as well just drink motor oil, because it’s doing about as much good. The symptoms might temporarily disappear, but that does nothing about the problem accept make us believe it is gone, when it is truly just lying beneath the surface.

Sometimes something strange conquers our immune system. It causes sluggishness, a slight chill, and an irritating tickle in our throat. We can’t tolerate the slight irritation so air is quickly forced through our esophagus and a cough comes out. An alarm must go off in some of our minds. One that has been programmed since birth. It screams so silently that we listen to it without even knowing. We go to the cabinet full of chemical combinations that could be toxic to small rodents. Our eyes search for that “comforting” color scheme that says, “swallow me and all your irritations will go away.”

Does it really work though? What does that thick liquid with 10% alcohol actually do for our level of homeostasis?

I believe many times it’s the thoughts that thus and such will make me “feel” better is actually what improves our symptoms and not actually the chemicals that were put in the body.

We do that in life too. Life’s irritations “bug” us. Whether it’s an argument, loss of finances, unhealthy relationships, hypocritical people, or a bad day; we get bugged. These irritations happen throughout a lifetime and whether we realize it or not, they affect our life. How we deal with them effects our emotional health.

As a culture we treat even our emotional health like a cough and just say ine-meenie-minee-mo about a cough syrup or maybe even our favorite cough drops. Rather than addressing the actual cold virus that was causing the cough. For out life our favorite cough drops translate into: alcohol, drugs, poor relationships, promiscuity, and eating disorders. None of these things actually help us. Rather they hurt us and make the problem worse.

The scariest part is sometimes treating the symptoms of our emotional health can appear healthy, such as excessive cleaning, exercising, or overly helping others. Same as taking Excedrin will make the headache go away so it must be solving the problem and so we take it every time. Yet neither Excedrin nor doing things in excess is really solving the problems. They are just temporary “fixes” without getting to the root of what is actually wrong.

It’s kind of like treating a cold by drinking motor oil. It does nothing to get to the real problem that is causing the symptoms. Taking medicine may just be treating the symptoms and a lot of time in life we continually treat the symptoms but never address the problem.

When we are just treating the symptoms, we might as well just drink motor oil, because it’s doing about as much good. The symptoms might temporarily disappear, but that does nothing about the problem accept make us believe it is gone, when it is truly just lying beneath the surface.

Giving Until You Are Empty

My cup is almost empty. There’s nothing left to give. I feel drained and all I can do is sit and hope that I can be filled up again. I know I can and will. I just let myself get a little too empty this time.

I gave too much. I forgot about my needs. I forgot to ask for assistance. Forgot to say no and totally ignored my preferences.

It’s easy to get empty. All it takes is a little bump, jiggle, sip, gulp, or spill. Then there’s only a little bit left. Not even enough to give.

It’s not safe and not fair. Not fair to others around me. I have nothing to give. I might even been draining them. Not safe because I could easily shut down and others would not even know why.

Emptiness is no fun and it takes twice as long to recharge after being empty. It would be better if you would let yourself be recharged and not give for a while. To be wise enough to know when to pull back. Before it is too late and you are completely empty.

If Nothing Else I am Loved

How is easy is it to forget this, to forget that we are loved. We are loved by our Heavenly Father more than we may ever know. Then instead of remembering this love and cherishing it, we run from it and pretend no love exists.

We pretend that the things we do on a daily basis, does not matter to our creator. Maybe sometimes it’s not mere pretending but taking for granted what we have. Never taking claim on our Father’s love that He has given us, right here on earth.

His wonderful, eternal love that can get us through anything, if we just recognize it. If we just take hold of it and never let it go. If we can just grasp the fact that if nothing else we are loved.

Confronting Non-Confrontation

I’m a confrontational person. I don’t mean that I go up and yell things at people. I mean that if there is something that needs clarified or talked about; I will confront someone about it or bring it up in conversation.

Some people aren’t confrontational though and the whole thought of having to address something makes them squirm. They would rather stay in the gray area of non-understanding than actually talk about it. This makes no sense to me, but I am learning how to compromise.

I have learned that you can have a friendship and not declare its level of depth. That sometimes you have to let some things go for other things to happen. It is possible to resolve a conflict without ever communicating about it.

I suppose time is a method a non-confrontational person will use. Time works things out and calms down emotions. It has a way of making things clearer just by taking a little while longer to process the situation. It’s amazing how the passing of days will make a situation seem less important. The only requirement you have to have for time is patience.

Now I know there is a place for non-confrontation, it helps people keep peace and take on some understanding before they force the issue. I’m not saying it is the best approach or that I will use it from this point forward. Rather I am saying that it makes a little bit more sense to me, and if I can be patient enough I might just start being a little less confrontational.

The Let’s Just Be Friends Curse

I’ve mastered the skill. I have learned how to make, have, and maintain guy friends. I keep a balanced relationship with them. I believe they appreciate having me as a chick friend as much as I enjoy them as guy friends.

Am I really the chick friend though, or do I some how become one of the guys? Can I be standing there in make-up, a skirt, and heels and feel so much like one of the guys that no notice is taken to me being a girl?

I really do understand how this can happen sometimes. To me, it is easier to relate and understand guys than it is girls. My thought processes are typically more rational than emotional, which is more like a guy. The topics of conversation that I can interact in can be rather masculine too, such as fixing things, fishing, or sports. Sometimes don’t even act like a girl would in situations.

That doesn’t mean I don’t wanna be the chick friend. I do wanna be the chick friend. I want to be that cool chick that they hang out with, that can just chill, but she’s still a girl. The one that gets invited to hang, but gets the door opened for her. To be the girl wearing the sundress to the football game, because I’m hanging out with the boys but I don’t have to dress like them, then later on when it rains I get offered a jacket to stay dry.

I admit it, or at least I did for the first time the other day. I am a serial “guy friend-er.” I know how to get guys to be my friend, always have. It is easy for me to make a guy friend. Many times I prefer guy friends. They add a joy to my life, to be able to laugh at their antics and funny stories. Most of the time that’s all I would ever have them be is my friend.

Sometimes though, I would like one of them to become more than just a friend. I suppose I have thought even from a young age, if I can be their friend then maybe they will see me able to be more. It's okay with me if it never works out that way. Although really, I’d love to be the girl that is such a cool friend that one day, one of the guys wants to make her more than a friend. Is it possible though? Can a girl go from being a cool chick friend to being a girlfriend? Or am I always doomed to the “let’s just be friends curse?”

Living a Life Free from Judgment

So many of us, especially us Christians, feel as if the things we do in life is judged by others. Maybe they are, maybe they aren’t. Maybe it is just what we perceive is judgment is our own guilt about our actions. Quite possibly nobody else is saying anything about it. They might not even know about it, yet some how we feel “judged.”

When we feel like we are being judged. We start to feel like people are looking for every reason to kick us down. As if nothing we do is right or if we do anything right, it is not good enough. Don’t get me wrong, this does happen, but sometimes it is just how we perceive the situation that makes us feel “judged.”

I live in an area now where they only pressure I have on me about my actions is the kind I put on myself. Sure people care if I’m out having a good time, but I am not “knocked” for being out having a good time. As long as my clothes are “cute” then they don’t have to be up to fashion (most of them are several years old). The friends I keep are my business, not someone else’s, and if they are going to snub their nose at me for the company I keep, then they can just not be part of the company I keep.

It is sort of like I have a life now free from most judgment. As if other people’s opinions matter even less to me. Sure their opinions will always be there, but as long as I’m happy with what I am doing and it isn’t hurting anyone else. I am free to live my life. Free to not feel “judged.” Freedom to take any judgment that is placed upon me and shrug it off with the understanding that they just don’t know and that’s their own problem. That is the only way I have found to really live a free life, it’s not that they quit judging, it’s that I quit caring about their irrational opinions.

The Insanity of Being Misunderstood

I used to say my biggest fear in life was rejection, I’ve now found an even bigger fear and frustration…Misunderstanding.

I’m a communicator, so it should be easier for me to get my point across, but that is not always the case. Too many times this giant blob of confusion comes between me the person I am trying to communicate with, and that blob makes a mess out of things. Even when the message is simple, something like, “Are you having a good day?” Then the blob gets involved and the person thinks I am assuming they are not allowed to have a good day or even worse that they are supposed to be having a bad day.

I’ve been trained on how to communicate with people, how to get my message to the receiver, how to receive messages myself with the most clarity, and how to minimize misunderstanding. The other difficulty however, lies in non-communication. Meaning, I say something and there is no response. Ahhhhhhhh!!! This is the worst form of communication for me, silence.

In this case, what does silence mean? I don’t think people understand sometimes how silence can be maddening to a communicator. I mean at least if they said something, then there would be a chance for rebuttal, for explanation, for interaction, for understanding, or even for frustration. To say nothing though…now that speaks amazing volumes. Creates its own kind of cacophony. It allows the mind to wonder and come up with so many ideas about what the answer is but leaves no explanation for the truth.

It feels like a misunderstanding that you can’t do anything about. Nothing…nothing can be done and your hands are tied. You have to sit there and wonder did they really get it? Hoping that the silence can be broken and wondering if there can be understanding.

If you let it, misunderstanding can take over your life. You find yourself constantly wondering if that statement came out okay. Did I really tell them what they needed to know? Have I really heard what they are saying? Is there part of the message they didn’t share, that could cause me to understand better? Could I have said anything more to help them understand what I was saying?

That is when misunderstanding is insanity. You may never know if you or anyone else has communicated fully the thoughts and ideas you meant to get across. Maybe we never do, maybe we just continue to try until it gets close enough to the truth. Why does it feel though as if I may never be understood to the fullest and may never understand anyone else as they mean to be understood? That thought to me is insanity.

Are You Strong Enough to be My Man?

Isn’t it interesting…Typically men are supposed to be the strong one’s in the relationship. They are to rescue the woman that is to be the weaker of the two. There is reason for her weakness and for his knight in shining armor, charade. A woman needs helped and needs security.

What if she is the strong one? What if she is the Wonder Woman, set out to save her Superman. Superman is rarely weak, but because of his human nature, he will struggle from time to time. He will need help and women are natural helpers. What if he lets her help him and do the rescuing for a change? Does this not disturb the natural balance? Is this necessary because of the society we live in now?

Do real men really need help? Do they need someone to teach them how to live less burden lives? Have they lived by their own messed up devices for so long now, that the only thing that can improve their lives is the touch of a woman? That really changes the meaning of, “Are you strong enough to be my man?” Sometimes it may even pose the question, “Are you strong enough to be my woman?”

The Other End of the Exception

(Inspired by the Movie and Novel “He Just Not that into You.”)

Why is it that we continually run into the person that is not into us? Why is it that even though we are making all the right moves, it doesn’t pan out? Why is it that everything on paper says we should be together, but we are not? Why is it that he/she should ask us out, but they don’t? Why is it that we are being as intentional as we need to be, for it to work out, yet it doesn’t?

You are following the rules: you are not being too clinging, not stalking, spending the right amount of time with and without them, giving the right amount of physical touch to strike attention yet not too much, have the right amount of things in common, and are just chill enough in the whole thing that they should totally ask you out. They still don’t ask you out though. You are doing everything right according to the rules. It’s still not working though. Why not?

Then you look at them. So maybe it’s not about you. They might be a commit-a-phobe, too caught up in their own thing, too blind to see what a great catch is right in front of them, too shy to just ask you out, maybe this is not good timing for them, possibly they have had their heart hardened from past relationships, or they just need to learn a lesson or two to be with you. So they just need to fix themselves so they can be with you.

Sometimes it’s not about that either. For some reason it’s not working. Not working because of you, not working because of them, not working because of something bigger than the two of you that just refuses to let this relationship happen. It’s frustrating as all get out and you wanna do everything you can to make it work despite the fact. It just won’t.

That’s the other end of the exception. The unfathomable idea that even though this meeting of boy and girl should work out, it just doesn’t. It doesn’t because of a different type of fate knows you two do not belong together. It has a way of working even harder sometimes then the sort of fate that puts people together. It is a pushing kind of fate, rather than pulling. Making everything seem impossible, even though it should be possible.

You hate this fate, probably because by this time you’ve seen it most of your life, though you still can’t understand it. It refuses to let you have your way. Rejects your ideas of how things should be. Constantly denies you the chance to be with them. Another them, they were supposed to be the one, don’t you know that fate?

Maybe you should thank it though. Thank it for keeping you out of those situations where the person was all wrong for you or just wrong enough it wouldn’t work. You should appreciate it for keeping your heart safe. For working in its own secret way to keep you from getting caught up in something that looked good from the outside, but could have been detrimental in the end.

Maybe that’s why they weren’t into you, why the right moves didn’t pan out, why on paper it looked good, but you were never together, why they never asked you out, and why every intentional move was never read as planned. Perhaps you were never meant to be together. As hard as it may be to understand, you were never supposed to be with them.

The People We Once Knew

I was looking at Myspace the other day, and caught myself checking out pictures of someone I once knew. We had went to school together since 2nd grade, I knew all of her siblings, her parents, her pets, a few stories about her life, and even her husband. Throughout the past few years I have heard some tidbits about what is going on with her and how she got there. Despite the fact that we remain friends on Myspace and Facebook, I don’t know her anymore.

I haven’t known her in a while; it feels good to think I’m in touch with her, in a very non-stalking way. That I know what she does for a living (I’m glad she is successful) and that she enjoys hanging out with her friends (I hope she is having fun). I even know what corner of the country she claims as home. But I don’t know her. The truth is we haven’t spoken in a couple of years. The last time was probably are random occurrence and I’m sure neither of us will see each other anytime in the next year and be able to “catch-up.”

Even if we did have a chance to talk, it will never be like it was. I don’t know what makes her happy or sad anymore. I have no clue who she hangs out with, what her goals are, what makes her tick. The reasons for the things she does, escaped me a long time ago. Her motives have probably changed and life has taught her lessons that I may not ever understand.

From the outside she looks like she is enjoying life (I believe she is). However, she may be struggling and I will never know it. All I know is the random status updates and tagged pictures. That’s all that exists of the person I once knew so well. So when asked “What she is doing with her life?” I can answer it partially. However, if I am asked “how is her life?” I have no clue. She is only a person I once knew.

Some People See the Best in People

Some people see the best in people; I see how they could be better. Any person that is placed in my surroundings, of course gets a first impression. Beyond the impression of how I take them, also comes the thought of how they could become better.

I suppose this could come from my counseling background. It feels though, as if its roots are so much deeper in my personality. Almost as if even as a young child I was seeing the better in people. Knowing that even if I felt injustice, at the time, it was only a lesson for them to learn so that they could become a better person.

My sensor is a little off sometimes when meeting people, because of this. I want to see everyone as safe or at least see them with the ability to be safe. I see their potential. Their ability to rise above their circumstances. To be something beyond what they are right now.

I understand that sometimes this can make it different to connect with me. It makes it seem almost as if I put an expectation on you from the very get go. My intention is not to set out to change people. People won’t change unless they want to, but sometimes just seeing that ability of them to change in the first place, will help them make that decision.

I’m not talking about the very first encounter, most of the time, but sometimes it starts without me even knowing it. For instance, I met a person one day that through our conversation I recognized them as a person that was afraid of finishing. I simply stated the fact to them, finished up the chit chat, and went along my way. I saw that person was able to become more than they were, within a 5 minute conversation.

It sort of becomes an underlying tone of my friendships and conversations with people. We laugh and joke about life then something happens in the middle of our sarcasm and we are all of the sudden talking about life lessons learned. I don’t even have specific expectations, nor do I require that people are a certain way around me. However, there is still an prospect of betterness for the both of us.

A betterness that if we go with it instead of fighting it, can improve our world, make us happier, and change our other relationships. It can be as simple as saying thank you and as complex as choosing to have a different outlook on life. Whatever it is, it can’t hurt can it? I mean couldn’t we all benefit from people who laugh more and strive to be the best person they can be?

Finding betterness kinda naturally occurs, in its own timing, with its own rules. Healthy individuals strive for betterness on their own. Sometimes we just need a little insight or encouragement. Which leads me to believe that it just might be okay to not just see the best in people, but to see how they could be better.

Where Am I Doing Here?

Tonight I sat and listened to live bluegrass music being played for a couple of hours. Here in Southeast Georgia that’s not an odd thing. It’s different to me though because in the year 2007, on a Saturday night, I would have been in some club dancing my booty off to hip hop music, wearin and outfit I just bought yesterday.

Times have changed and so have my activities. So much so that if has the tendency to freak out some of my Missouri friends. In one conversation, an old friend of mine was shocked that I lived such a low-key life now. That I don’t go out as much as I used to and shop less than ever. She even questioned what happened to me?

Sure I’ve traded in my some of my dancing shoes for flip flops. Maybe I shop less and relax more. My crew consists more of working professionals instead of professional workers. We party less, but know each other more. My decisions have even changed from being so spontaneous to being more processed and thought through. I even find myself people watching instead of being one of the people being watched.

I’m still me. Just me relocated. Any person put into a new environment will conform to their surroundings. I have conformed to laid-back beach music on Saturday nights and acoustic live music on Mondays in a courtyard. Sweet tea has become a staple, and I have become a seafood snob. I can still swagger with style and dress to the nines. Heck, I can even keep up with the best of them on the dance floor and teach em some moves from the Lou. I just do it differently and in different amounts now.

It’s because I live in a different place now. Where things aren’t as fast and expectations are different. Sure sometimes I still catch myself wondering what I am doing here and where exactly I am now. But for some reason I am okay with the difference. I’m still me after all, just in a different location.