In the working environment and throughout the interview process, references typically have their validity considered based off of the scenario in which they know the employee. Why do we not transfer that same thought process into our social or dating life?
Too many times we ask for or hear a reference but don’t consider the source. Perhaps we are wondering if so and so is a fun person to hang out with and we asked one of their coworkers. The case may be that the coworker has never hung out with the person after work. Would they actually be a good reference? Maybe not because the reference could be based only on the person’s work personality and would not fully answer the reference question you asked.
Likewise asking for a reference about a person but not clarifying that it’s a reference about dating might not get you a valid reference. The reference may say the person is a great person and he/she may be except for the dating aspect where that person you are referencing doesn’t have any true reference to give. For example, most guys wouldn’t have any idea what kind of boyfriend their buddy is or wouldn’t think of breaking the “bro-code” by bashing their bud and his relationships skills or lack thereof. How does this translate? The reference comes as “Yeah he’s a great guy.” The actual translation: “Yeah he’s a great guy.” That statement says nothing about how he is in a relationship. You didn’t ask the right person or right question to have a real answer about how he is in a relationship.
Another social reference you must beware of is asking if someone is a good person. Since they can have one identity with you and a total different attitude with others, which is similar to buttering you up. In this situation perhaps you should ask for more references if you care to know how others perceive this person. To make it even more complicated, you might even need to make sure the reference and you have similar definitions of what makes a good person.
Then there are the skewed references that have heard some hearsay but don’t actually know the person. Sure anybody can trash anyone but that doesn’t mean they have the correct information. Most times this reference is unsolicited and decides you just must know what trouble they’ve heard. Of course there could be some unforeseen validity to what this person is saying. Just make sure you consider that person’s source and how they received the information.
Regardless, if you’re going to ask for a reference and sometimes you should, be sure always to consider what you are actually asking about, who you are asking for this information to, and make sure you ask more questions to clarity if you need to do so. Then perhaps you will have the full view of the situation.
Not everyone is wise enough to answer or ask reference questions properly or appropriately. One thing we could do to assist and make sure we are being the best reference we can be, when we are asked, or when the situation arises. Typically this requires you having an open awareness and not being a skewed reference yourself. Oh and maybe some mind reading skills as well. Just make sure you are answering the questions to the best of your knowledge and possibly use an example or two because that allows the other person to make their own call.
Hopefully, with a couple of these insights we can all become better reference getters or givers. Fortunately and unfortunately, the best reference of all is time. Just remember as time passes to consider your references.
11 years ago
