The Fear of Difficulty

The last time I checked most of the things worth accomplishing in life were not easy. Take for example, graduating from high school, making money, or being a successful athlete. All of these things require an investment of time and energy to be accomplished. Why is it though that we think life should be easy and we shouldn’t have to try hard anymore?

I see this way too often with my students. Sure the end goal is to graduate with a degree, but they lose sight so easily when they have one professor they do not like or one assignment that is a little tough. What has happened to the drive to accomplish a goal no matter what obstacles are in the way? Even worse, why do people give up so easily? When I was in school I just did what I had to pass the class. My Granny taught me at a very young age that you have to do many things in life you don’t want to but you do them anyway. Are people not taught this anymore?

Are we instead taught that if there is not a way to “google” the answer that it is not out there? Do life lessons now include the specific instructions every time and not just a guideline? Is the new thought “when the going gets tough, give up”?

Perhaps what we now have as a society is a fear of difficulty. This is a fear that causes us to avoid things that do not come easily and an apathy regarding doing things that might be difficult. We also refuse to change because it is difficult. Instead of trying to put for the time and effort to do something we just avoid it.

What if instead we faced our fear and tried to do more things that required more effort? What harm can be done by doing something that was difficult instead of trying to take the easy way out? Is it really possible as a society to face our fear of difficulty? I think so and I hope so. I believe it we did actually face this fear of difficulty; we would shocked about how much we can actually accomplish.

Therefore, I encourage us as the average Americans to not be put off by things that do not appear easy at first. We should try for things that take a little more effort and take on new challenges on a regular basis. Sometimes once you get started you realize it was not as difficult as you feared, after all.

Predicting the Future

There is a new way of thinking that I’ve experienced lately. It seems to me that many people think that there are people that can predict their own futures and are therefore able to make better decisions because of these predictions. They seem to believe that choices are made because of sure outcomes rather than people who take chances. Perhaps the subscription of this belief goes as far as to theorize that you cannot make a decision if there is an unpredictable outcome.

Take for example people considering relocating for a job. They want to go and they know it could be a great opportunity, but instead they stay because what if they don’t like the job when they get there. The same thing happens many times with finances. A person would like to have a goal to pay off all of the debt they have but believes it will never happen so they keep making the minimum payment. Then there is my most recent favorite of someone deciding not to enter in a relationship because he/she does not know what is going to happen in the next year.

Wake up people! None of us know what is going to happen in the next six months to two years. Heck, we don’t even know what might happen in the next minute. Decisions are made based off of a calculation of what you know could potentially happen and what you hope will happen. No one can say absolutely for sure that they will have the same friends, living situation, job, location, or relationships in the next year. All of those things can change very quickly leaving us with another unpredictable future.

What should be done then? Take some chances. Make a decision that has some longevity or put things in order for just in cases. Ever heard of if Plan A doesn’t work then try Plan B, or C or D or Z? Try planning for once just to see what options you have out there. Step outside of your box a little and try some new things. You never know, you might actually like something that seems a little scary at first.

Life is about taking risks and chances. Why? Because life itself is a risk and chance. You can never succeed if you never try. So stop sitting on your hands because you are unsure of what is to come. Take an opportunity to step out of your normal routine and see what is possible out there because there is no such thing as predicting the future.

A Walk in the Park vs. the Venus Fly Trap Stance- Why aren’t Guys Required to Change?

I just finished reading an article about another book written from a woman to women about why they aren’t married yet. Although, the items listed in the article were very good points; I still do not understand why there is yet another piece of nonfiction written about how a woman needs to change something to be in a relationship.


Please do not misinterpret what I’m saying here. I’m not saying every woman should be in a relationship regardless of their flaws because all of us (men and women) need to do a little repair from time to time. Rather I am saying why do women have be near perfection before a guy will look her way and guys are just allowed to be who they already are.

The next questions that come to my mind are: Why do women accept men for who they are without requiring some kind of change prior to being in a relationship with them? Why aren’t our standards higher so that if they are not meeting our criteria we want we don’t even look their way? Can we not require higher standards? If we do require higher standards will they be met?

In my realm of conversation I’ve heard both guys and girls complaints about singleness. However, I can definitely say when a guy talks about singleness he’s not talking about how he needs to be more of a gentleman, get rid of his bad habit of fill in the blank, or change his irrational thought that the woman he is going to marry is going to be a 36-24-36 type. Instead he is usually saying why do these girls have such unrealistic standards as: I should have a job, I should go to church, I should pay for meals, and/or we should talk on a regular basis. He might also be saying with words or by his actions that his clothing, conversation topics, and commitment level are his own business. Sometimes he’s even says, I should get laid by x or y time period or I’m out.

Guess what? There is no one out there writing a bunch of books about why this dude should change in order to get a woman. Instead it seems that guys are just allowed to be whomever they are and still get to have a woman. Then after he has that woman in his terms of the relationship, she’s crazy if she wants him to change something about who he is. Do you see part of the problem here?

It’s almost as if all I guy has to do to get into a relationship is to take a walk in the park. If a woman wants to be in a relationship she must be in Venus Fly Trap stance with the perfect look, smell, and location in order to perhaps catch a guy. What is up with the double standard here? Why don’t guys have to change?

10 Reasons Why Our Culture prevents us from Successful Marriage

1. Proximity is Not an Issue
2. Dreams of Fairytales and Swimsuit Models
3. Selfishness and the Inability to Self-Sacrifice
4. The Inability to be Flexible
5. Overwhelming and Instant Communication
6. Over-occupation (Too Many Things to Do)
7. The Grass is Greener and there’s Always plentyoffish.com
8. The Non-Necessity of a Partner
9. You Can’t Make Someone Else Change or Want to Change
10. The Inability to Commit

It won’t take you pondering long to realize how non-conducive our society is for relationships. I believe these next ten points can certainly be applied to the married and unmarried regarding the effects our society and culture can have on our opportunities for successful relationships. If you’re already married take heed. For those of us hoping for marriage someday, regardless of relationship status, take notice. One or many of these could be you or someone you’re interested in.

1. Proximity is Not an Issue
Back in the day when marriage came about because of who your neighbors were and/or who visited them, the opportunity to marry someone from the other side of the country was rare. This worked really well because, well you just “fell in love” and got married to someone who was the most suitable and then made it work. Think of all the sweet love stories we hear about couples celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. They know how to make the best of their relationship regardless of how they met. A million choices of who to be with wasn’t really an option so they worked with what they had. Sometimes choice isn’t the best scenario when deciding on a life-long partner. Gasp, you mean you can really have love with someone that isn’t a perfect fit? Surprisingly so and people have been doing it for years!

Proximity in this situation also means that more than likely both parties involved came from similar cultural, environmental, and societal norms. It just turns out that the more common couples have in those areas, the easier it is to connect.

2. Dreams of Fairytales and Swimsuit Models
Let’s just be honest here, most things that we take in come out. It can either be from our mouths or just in our head that leads to our actions. Therefore, the more fairytales we believe about the amazingly always romantic and non-faltering prince or the perfect not a blemish or dimple on her body super model, the more we put a spouse on some sort of unattainable pedal stool.

Think of these thoughts as some sort of beautiful Frankenstein created by all of your favorite attributes. In the end the person will not always act or look like what you want? You might as well force yourself to get over that fantasy if you ever want to have a successful marriage. Especially considering that you yourself are not a perfect princesses or a GQ model.

3. Selfishness and the Inability to Self-Sacrifice
Face it! We are very selfish people. This is nothing new but because of our ability to get most things we want, we somehow believe we deserve to have it our way. When in all actuality we could benefit from a good deal of self-denial. I’m not saying give until you’re empty and frustrated because you compromised way too much. Rather think about giving more. You might be surprised about how much easier and fulfilling your life and relationships can be.

4. The Inability to be Flexible
Hand in hand with sacrifice is flexibility. Whether you are trying to meet your spouse later in life or are trying to figure out how to keep living with them; you must know how important it is to be flexible. Bend for the situation and try not to get your undergarments in a twist so easily. You will more than likely be surprised at how good it can feel and how the other reciprocates.

5. Overwhelming and Instant Communication
Reba’s song “Why Haven’t I Heard from You” comes to mind when I think about this. At most points during the day we have 7+ different ways we can communicate: in person, phone call, text message, email, social network, instant message, letter, and I’m sure I’m missing something.

With all these also comes the frustration of not hearing soon enough and not hearing right away. Believe it or not there can be a benefit for having to wait to communicate. Perhaps we’ve heard about thinking before we speak? It can also be beneficial to have less opportunity to say the wrong thing. Most importantly we could all use a good lesson in shutting up and when to shut off. Surprisingly, it is kind of important sometimes to not be connected to the phone or internet in order to truly absorb the time and presence of someone else.

6. Over-occupation (Too Many Things to Do)
Think of your average day and how much actual downtime you really have. I mean real time when you are not at work, getting something ready, driving, checking things on the internet, watching TV, or attending an event. If you’re single how you do fit someone into that and if you’re married where is there room for quality time? I’m not saying we should be bored but given the opportunity it might be necessary to do less in order to do more for a relationship.

7. The Grass is Greener and there’s Always plentyoffish.com
When do you decide that I’m going to stick to this because it’s a good thing instead of thinking who else is out there? For some people this thought never ends even if they’re married. Stop it! You’ll just end up eating grass from a strange field and still feeling unsatisfied. Most times instead of plentyoffish.com all you really need is a reminder of how great the person you already have is. Stand back and make a positive list if you need to, but please don’t forget to at least consider that person’s positives while you are fantasizing about someone else’s who is not your reality.

8. The Non-Necessity of a Partner
In case we haven’t noticed, we mostly no longer live on farms or need a mom and pop to run the family business. Heck, children aren’t even needed anymore to help out with the family doings. To go further, spouses aren’t even required for providing the necessities of life or social events for status. That means it is no longer necessary to find a spouse to marry. Thank you society and culture, except for the fact that most of us are designed for companionship. Unfortunately, since it is not required we are never forced to actually do something about the desire for companionship. What does that equal? Maybe bunch of people not trying to be in a fulfilling relationship because their circumstance does not require them to be. Is this really benefitting us?

9. You Can’t Make Someone Else Change or Want to Change
Whether you’re in a committed marriage or trying to decide if your last date can turn into something more; one of the most important things you can learn about in any relationship is that you can’t make people change. So don’t start a relationship with someone that you can’t be with if they cannot change certain things about themselves.

What really needs to be done is you decide if you can get with him/her or stay with him/her regardless of change. It just happens to turn out many times that the best way to create an environment for change is the have an environment of support.

10. The Inability to Commit
If anyone tries to tell me we don’t have these issues as a society I could in 2 seconds have you mention a friend or family member that can’t commit. It’s an epidemic. The strangest part is how easily we commit to gym memberships, phone contracts, and leases/mortgages. However, when it comes to another living breathing human being it is not possible to commit to something that you’ve already spent a month of Friday’s investing in. Take a chance, that’s what all of those other commitments are about anyway. The future is and will always be uncertain.

Worry…Borrowing Problems

I myself am not a woman that worries. It’s not how I’m wired nor is it how I operate. To me it is a waste of time and effort. I’d rather trust that things will be taken care of, than worry about them.

I heard a quote once that said, “Worrying is borrowing problems.” I totally agree. People can get so caught up fixating on a situation and worrying about its outcome that they in fact “borrow” or create problems in the present.

Why do that? Why create more of a problem by worrying? Why not trust that it will come out alright?

It could be because we do not have the ability or the tools to trust. This form of trust comes from genealogy, environment, and belief beyond us. It may not be in your genes to trust; perhaps no generation of your family has been able to live without worry. There might not have ever been in your environment, people who do not worry. If your mother was a worrier whether by genes or environment you are more likely to be a worrier, because it is a learned trait. Worriers don’t always know that it will be alright if they don’t worry.

It might be that they just don’t have a knowledge that it will be alright unless they worry. They don’t actually know that whether we worry or not, it doesn’t make a difference in the outcome. They think that we have to worry because that is the only way to help solve the problem and that our worrying actually makes a difference in the resolve. It is as if they are trying to worry enough about it because if they don’t, there is not something bigger than themselves that can take care of it.

Perhaps the issue is that they don’t have anything or anyone bigger than them to trust to take care of them and the problem. To me, that person is God. He is big enough to trust. I choose to trust Him instead of worrying. He is even big enough to see the resolve and see the big picture. Someone deciding to worry is choosing not to trust God.

Does that mean everything is totally ok then if I’m trusting God? I would ay no. But, we are not called to worry. It doesn’t help us with the situation, rather it hurts us. Worriers have more tendencies towards health and mental issues due to the fixation on the problems. Someone who is a worrier is more likely to have ulcers and anxiety than a non-worrier. Worriers also have the potential of harmed relationships due to the guilt produced from worry.

From example, I do not worry very much, I may find myself concerned from time to time, but that involves me asking about something then letting it go. When I find out someone is worrying about me it actually makes me more distant from them. Mostly because I feel guilty that they are concentrating on something I may be doing and not letting it go. Then to get rid of the guilty feeling I distance myself from that person. I’d rather them just ask me about it if they have to, then let it go.

We are not called to worry whether you are a believer or not. You can see by various evidences that worry actually has no important purpose. Worry does not solve problems, action does. Worrying does not change situations, people change situations. Worry also does not create healthy emotions like trust and faith rather it distracts from them.

So may I please ask you to look inside yourself and truly find out why you are worrying? Does it really have a valid reason to be in your life? Does it really make a difference or is it just borrowing problems?

Hope in General

It is of positive human nature to have goals and aspirations. I too am human and have goals and aspirations. However, now I am at a place in my life where my goals and aspirations aren’t necessarily specific.

When I was younger it was easy to name specific goals such as getting a car, going to college, and getting a good job. Now that those goals are obtained it is a little more difficult to focus on a specific goal.

Maybe it is because I feel like I am in less control of my ability to attain my goals. My goals now are thinks like eventually getting a promotion, finding a significant other, and maybe having a family. All of these goals partially include me but they also equally involve other people.

Attaining these goals requires hope in people beyond me and things beyond my control. How then if that is the case, can I hope specifically? How can I say that new position is mine and that I will it to be mine by the end of the year? Also, how could I be so bold to tell someone else that they will be in a relationship with me because it is one of my goals?

I can’t do those things and I can’t know that they will actually happen. So really I can’t hope in specific anymore because the specific goals are out of my control. Instead I have learned to hope in general.

Hope in general says that something good and positive will continue in my life. Hope in general doesn’t say that I will have my own family in 3.5 years. It says that in 3.5 years I will still have positive opportunities of some kind as long as I’m still here on earth.

Therefore, hope in general doesn’t allow for the disappointment of goals not attained. It doesn’t make a person frustrated because this or that didn’t’ come to fruition. To me, hope in general prevents a person from feeling like a failure because something that was partially out of their control didn’t happen. That is why at this point in my life I choose to hope in general.

Know Me

Many people do not know how or want to get to know people anymore. It is so much easier to just sit on the sidelines of life and not get hurt or dirty by interacting personally with others. Not that we have to get to know everyone and everything about them, but it is important to take a chance every once in a while.

I have taken plenty of chances in my life and still have plenty more to take. I don't claim to be an expert but I do believe I make a fair effort where one is due. Perhaps I take a more intentional approach at this than others because I am a more serious person. I suppose this is because you never know who might be your next casual acquaintance, good friend, or significant other. Sometimes all it takes is a little small talk and good listening to see who the other person really is.

The fun part is that you can get to know someone even when you both are totally goofing off and not being serious. It is as simple as taking in clues from what is said or done.

Why does it seem though that more often than not I'm the one getting to know the other person while they are just hanging out in the moment? Are so many meetings of people so shallow that people don't take the time anymore go deep enough to determine who the other person is? How selfish and impersonal is that?

I mean seriously, there are people that I have known for over a year that couldn't even tell you where I work or that I like to have a flexible social schedule. Not that everyone has to know those things about me but for someone not care enough for another human being that they see on a regular basis is just sad to me.

Oh and don't get me started on how this shows up in a dating situation. I know I'm not the type of person that will spill her guts at first meeting but if you're paying attention (even a little) I will tell you a ton of things about myself including the fact that I appreciate and respect honesty. Actually I encourage it as well as responsiveness. Though apparently that alludes some people that I've dated and somehow they totally missed that. Really? You missed that? I mean after a year of on and off dating you never figured that out?

In that type situation all I can say is "you never even tried to get to know me." Not once, otherwise you would probably be able to at least know how to talk to me or know to talk to me and how important that is.

What do call that? What do you call the general disrespect of a follow individual? So much disrespect that you actually put your personality characteristics on them because you don't know enough about them to know they are nothing like you.

In the words of Stephanie Tanner from Full House "How rude!" People come with all different types of personalities and to believe automatically that someone is just like you when evidence proves otherwise is incredibly narcissistic. More than that you are cheating them out of the human right to be understood and lumping them into a group where they do not belong.

Think about yourself. Do you want to be lumped into some group and stereotyped? Wouldn't you rather have someone notice special facts about you? Isn't it more personal to show care and concern for who others are as individuals?

I know in the circle of people I hang out with and especially people that I would consider dating, I prefer that the other person at least attempt to get to know me. It helps me know that their actions are intentional. It also helps me see if they have the ability to care about others and think about someone besides themself from time to time. Truthfully, though doesn't everyone at some point appreciate a conversation or situation when they can leave saying, "that person really does know me."

Why don't we take the chance then or opportunity? How about we try to listen up a little better or verify our facts from time to time? Can we not take the opportunity to close our mouths long enough that we can actually take in what the other person is saying? I believe if we did it would be a rarer occasion that we'd hear the complaint "You don't even know me."

The I’m not for You’s

We’ve all heard them from time to time although we might not have been listening. You are spending time with someone in dating fashion and a line or two pops out of his or her mouth that should be a bright white flag of surrender telling to give up on this relationship because it has no potential. The key is you might have heard it, but you probably weren’t listening. Listening means to hear something with thoughtful attention and sometimes to listen you have to know what to listen for.

Although this list is far from conclusive, I want to provide some examples of things that people say telling you that they are not for you. As with anything, the context of the situation must also be considered, but with practice and good listening skills even amateurs in communication can learn to decipher these tricky little clues.

The first most often used and most often ignored is something along the lines of “I’m not good enough for you.” If a person says I’m not “good enough,” “pretty enough,” “handsome enough,” “strong enough,” “genuine enough,” “successful enough,” responsible enough,” or “mature enough.” Trust them! Just say ok you’re not enough and move on. A person saying they are not “…enough” is not an invitation to fix them it is your free pass to out of there.

Similar to the “I’m not…enough” is the” I’m not for you because...” This is where it gets tricky and you really do have to be listening to what is being said. Usually this gets said in the getting to know you phase when the other person mentions something that is a deal-breaker but the decision is made to be “ok” with it because it might change. Word to your mother! You do not get with someone in hopes of them changing into someone you want to be with. Instead you get with someone because you like who they are already. We all have deal-breakers (must have job, must have car, must be breathing) and if you hear a deal-breaker take heed, it might just be the other person telling you that they are not for you.

I hate that I have to mention this one, but I can’t cover the entire list without including the “I’m in a relationship” clause. If someone is in a relationship, then at that point it in time they are NOT for you. They are with someone else and choose to be. I’m going to break up with him or her does not actually mean that they are broke up. Therefore, that person is not available and you shouldn’t even be thinking or actually get with them. We’ve all heard it at least once; if a person will cheat with you then they will cheat on you. So just don’t be with someone if they are with someone else. Feel free to wait it out if you feel the need, but understand that as long as they are still with someone else, they are continuing to choose them over you.

Oh the dreaded words “I just want to be friends.” Just In case an interpretation needs to be made, let me share what this means. It means: For whatever reason the person has decided that the chemistry, social status, beauty, finances, commitment level, or any other reason they can come with to be required to be in a relationship with you is not there. Will it be there eventually be there? Who knows, but for now do not enter into a physical and/or emotional relationship with them outside of friendship. Since after all, they have told you all that is wanted is friendship. How will you know it has changed? The person who called it friendship instead of a relationship has to change their mind and officially declare it a relationship and not just a friendship. Otherwise, from that point forward all you are or will ever be is friends and it is not good to fool yourself into thinking otherwise. For more detailed information please see my blog from October of 2008 "Not So Beneficial Friendships." http://thebalanceoflife.blogspot.com/2008/10/not-so-beneficial-friendships.html

Alright you’ve been on a date or several, but are you communicating and is there a desire to invest in each other? If the relationship seems one sided with the other party being mostly non-responsive it might not be for you. People go after or respond to things they want. If it’s like pulling teeth to get a call or text back then the other person might be intentionally or unintentionally telling you it’s a no go. Likewise, if you can’t seem to make yourself respond to the other person or spend time with them then they might not be for you.

Many times we try to see the best in people so we grab whatever good things we can find about them and file them away refusing to see the truth. This is known as the “looking good on paper” syndrome. Sure so and so comes from a good family, has a decent job, and is has amazing charisma, but treats you with no respect, does not like you for who you are, and blames you for their problems. It does not matter how well written of a report a person may have, if they are not acting out the attributes on report then be truthful to yourself and decide if they really are for you.

What a person tells someone else tells volumes about what they really think. If you are dating someone and not even their best friend knows that you are dating this could mean that they are not for you. Even the most secretive person talks to someone and if they can’t talk to someone about you then it’s usually means they don’t want to or can’t be with you. You can also tell what they think about the relationship based off how they talk about it. If the other person says you are just casually dating and you think that there is an actual relationship, it might be time to clarify. After all, not being on the same page is not cool.

Sometimes you don’t find out in beginning that you shouldn’t be together and you actually enter into a relationship. There are also some not for you’s that occur during that time too. When you spot them while in a relationship you have to really consider the context and if it requires you to be the bigger person and end it or if they are simply things to work on inside of the relationship.

One example is,” I don’t want to want to get married.” As known as “I don’t want to get married” plain and simple. The complexity behind this statement is that perhaps this person really does want to get married, but you are not the one for them to marry. It’s nothing against you really. Let’s call it a strange survival mechanism that reverses the desire to get married when the wrong two people are together. The main question you have to ask yourself (and be truthful about) is “do you want to get married?” If you really do (and most people do) then the person you are with might not be for you.

Strangely a similar thing happens when deciding if you as a couple wants to eventually have children. The pesky little survival mechanism pops up and makes one of the two (if not both) not want kids because this relationship is not for you. I know it sounds a little crazy, but I have seen women have no desire at all to have children when they were with the wrong man. Then when they got with the right man they were more than ready to start a family.

Lastly, if you as a couple have no real desire to be selfless at times, to bring up important issues in your relationship, work through things, invest in each other, do fun things together and have a good time with each other then maybe you shouldn’t be together. These are all things that are required in a relationship from time to time and if you can’t get through them on the front end there is not a real good chance that it will get any better. Meaning one of you will have to say I’m not for you.

Is it easy to say it? Sometimes it is but usually not. Many times it is easier to just continue on with the relationship because at least you are in one or you have too much time invested already. Is it worth it to stay? I would say if you are married definitely yes, but if you are just dating then it’s more worth it to figure out if the reasons you are in the relationship, in the first place. Usually by the time you figure those out you know exactly if it is for you.

Vulnerable

Written sometime in 2008 or 2009 and recently discovered in a notebook.

Is it really ok to let poeple know how I feel? Will I be ok if I open up? Can I open up enough to trust even if I don't know if someone is trustworthy?

To be vulernable is to put myself out there. Whether I am or am not, some people can still tell. They can tell that somthing is up. Sometimes it even pushes them away when it is not intentional. Pushes them away and they don't even know they are being pushed until they are on the other side and neither of us know how they got there.

It was as if a plate of glass was put between us that allowed still to see each other but no longer touch. Nothing appeared wrong but it also didn't feel right anymore.

How do you open up though? How do you let someone in? How do you let down your guard? How can you open up to a place where they can see you and choose to love instead of leave?
It's unraveling. It's giving them control over part of your emiotions so that you can have influences on part of their emotions. Neither of you can get any deeper without becomming open to the situation.

Maybe they can feel me shut down and that's when they leave. Maybe I open up too late for the good of the relationship. Maybe I don't give him enough chance so it's easy for him to just leave. To end it because he was never given that chance to feel that connection.

It's time to think optimistically. To put my emotions not under control but lose a little contol. To let that spark dance out of my eyes and into his heart. To let the passion I have always guarded to be shared.

Becuase it still hurts either way. I'm not really protecting myself. I'm only hurting still because they always leave with a sort of rejection. A rejection that I may have asked myself to prevent. The rejection is long term and everything in me wants a long term relationship which in fact requires vulnerability.

Am I really saving myself the pain though? Does it really help to not be vulnerable?