We’ve all heard them from time to time although we might not have been listening. You are spending time with someone in dating fashion and a line or two pops out of his or her mouth that should be a bright white flag of surrender telling to give up on this relationship because it has no potential. The key is you might have heard it, but you probably weren’t listening. Listening means to hear something with thoughtful attention and sometimes to listen you have to know what to listen for.
Although this list is far from conclusive, I want to provide some examples of things that people say telling you that they are not for you. As with anything, the context of the situation must also be considered, but with practice and good listening skills even amateurs in communication can learn to decipher these tricky little clues.
The first most often used and most often ignored is something along the lines of “I’m not good enough for you.” If a person says I’m not “good enough,” “pretty enough,” “handsome enough,” “strong enough,” “genuine enough,” “successful enough,” responsible enough,” or “mature enough.” Trust them! Just say ok you’re not enough and move on. A person saying they are not “…enough” is not an invitation to fix them it is your free pass to out of there.
Similar to the “I’m not…enough” is the” I’m not for you because...” This is where it gets tricky and you really do have to be listening to what is being said. Usually this gets said in the getting to know you phase when the other person mentions something that is a deal-breaker but the decision is made to be “ok” with it because it might change. Word to your mother! You do not get with someone in hopes of them changing into someone you want to be with. Instead you get with someone because you like who they are already. We all have deal-breakers (must have job, must have car, must be breathing) and if you hear a deal-breaker take heed, it might just be the other person telling you that they are not for you.
I hate that I have to mention this one, but I can’t cover the entire list without including the “I’m in a relationship” clause. If someone is in a relationship, then at that point it in time they are NOT for you. They are with someone else and choose to be. I’m going to break up with him or her does not actually mean that they are broke up. Therefore, that person is not available and you shouldn’t even be thinking or actually get with them. We’ve all heard it at least once; if a person will cheat with you then they will cheat on you. So just don’t be with someone if they are with someone else. Feel free to wait it out if you feel the need, but understand that as long as they are still with someone else, they are continuing to choose them over you.
Oh the dreaded words “I just want to be friends.” Just In case an interpretation needs to be made, let me share what this means. It means: For whatever reason the person has decided that the chemistry, social status, beauty, finances, commitment level, or any other reason they can come with to be required to be in a relationship with you is not there. Will it be there eventually be there? Who knows, but for now do not enter into a physical and/or emotional relationship with them outside of friendship. Since after all, they have told you all that is wanted is friendship. How will you know it has changed? The person who called it friendship instead of a relationship has to change their mind and officially declare it a relationship and not just a friendship. Otherwise, from that point forward all you are or will ever be is friends and it is not good to fool yourself into thinking otherwise. For more detailed information please see my blog from October of 2008 "Not So Beneficial Friendships." http://thebalanceoflife.blogspot.com/2008/10/not-so-beneficial-friendships.html
Alright you’ve been on a date or several, but are you communicating and is there a desire to invest in each other? If the relationship seems one sided with the other party being mostly non-responsive it might not be for you. People go after or respond to things they want. If it’s like pulling teeth to get a call or text back then the other person might be intentionally or unintentionally telling you it’s a no go. Likewise, if you can’t seem to make yourself respond to the other person or spend time with them then they might not be for you.
Many times we try to see the best in people so we grab whatever good things we can find about them and file them away refusing to see the truth. This is known as the “looking good on paper” syndrome. Sure so and so comes from a good family, has a decent job, and is has amazing charisma, but treats you with no respect, does not like you for who you are, and blames you for their problems. It does not matter how well written of a report a person may have, if they are not acting out the attributes on report then be truthful to yourself and decide if they really are for you.
What a person tells someone else tells volumes about what they really think. If you are dating someone and not even their best friend knows that you are dating this could mean that they are not for you. Even the most secretive person talks to someone and if they can’t talk to someone about you then it’s usually means they don’t want to or can’t be with you. You can also tell what they think about the relationship based off how they talk about it. If the other person says you are just casually dating and you think that there is an actual relationship, it might be time to clarify. After all, not being on the same page is not cool.
Sometimes you don’t find out in beginning that you shouldn’t be together and you actually enter into a relationship. There are also some not for you’s that occur during that time too. When you spot them while in a relationship you have to really consider the context and if it requires you to be the bigger person and end it or if they are simply things to work on inside of the relationship.
One example is,” I don’t want to want to get married.” As known as “I don’t want to get married” plain and simple. The complexity behind this statement is that perhaps this person really does want to get married, but you are not the one for them to marry. It’s nothing against you really. Let’s call it a strange survival mechanism that reverses the desire to get married when the wrong two people are together. The main question you have to ask yourself (and be truthful about) is “do you want to get married?” If you really do (and most people do) then the person you are with might not be for you.
Strangely a similar thing happens when deciding if you as a couple wants to eventually have children. The pesky little survival mechanism pops up and makes one of the two (if not both) not want kids because this relationship is not for you. I know it sounds a little crazy, but I have seen women have no desire at all to have children when they were with the wrong man. Then when they got with the right man they were more than ready to start a family.
Lastly, if you as a couple have no real desire to be selfless at times, to bring up important issues in your relationship, work through things, invest in each other, do fun things together and have a good time with each other then maybe you shouldn’t be together. These are all things that are required in a relationship from time to time and if you can’t get through them on the front end there is not a real good chance that it will get any better. Meaning one of you will have to say I’m not for you.
Is it easy to say it? Sometimes it is but usually not. Many times it is easier to just continue on with the relationship because at least you are in one or you have too much time invested already. Is it worth it to stay? I would say if you are married definitely yes, but if you are just dating then it’s more worth it to figure out if the reasons you are in the relationship, in the first place. Usually by the time you figure those out you know exactly if it is for you.
11 years ago
