Vulnerable

Written sometime in 2008 or 2009 and recently discovered in a notebook.

Is it really ok to let poeple know how I feel? Will I be ok if I open up? Can I open up enough to trust even if I don't know if someone is trustworthy?

To be vulernable is to put myself out there. Whether I am or am not, some people can still tell. They can tell that somthing is up. Sometimes it even pushes them away when it is not intentional. Pushes them away and they don't even know they are being pushed until they are on the other side and neither of us know how they got there.

It was as if a plate of glass was put between us that allowed still to see each other but no longer touch. Nothing appeared wrong but it also didn't feel right anymore.

How do you open up though? How do you let someone in? How do you let down your guard? How can you open up to a place where they can see you and choose to love instead of leave?
It's unraveling. It's giving them control over part of your emiotions so that you can have influences on part of their emotions. Neither of you can get any deeper without becomming open to the situation.

Maybe they can feel me shut down and that's when they leave. Maybe I open up too late for the good of the relationship. Maybe I don't give him enough chance so it's easy for him to just leave. To end it because he was never given that chance to feel that connection.

It's time to think optimistically. To put my emotions not under control but lose a little contol. To let that spark dance out of my eyes and into his heart. To let the passion I have always guarded to be shared.

Becuase it still hurts either way. I'm not really protecting myself. I'm only hurting still because they always leave with a sort of rejection. A rejection that I may have asked myself to prevent. The rejection is long term and everything in me wants a long term relationship which in fact requires vulnerability.

Am I really saving myself the pain though? Does it really help to not be vulnerable?