I'm Spoiled

Consider me ruined for any man that I might ever start dating. For years no I have been spoiled by my guy friends. Spoiled by their understanding who I am and respecting me for it. Spoiled because we enjoy spending time together and don’t forget to do so. Even more spoiled because we know how to keep up with and respond to each other. Whether it’s running into each other out in public, making a quick phone call , or responding to the random text; they respond to me as I prefer.

When it comes to dating though, I’m ruined. Ruined partially because if I am dating someone I don’t really know, he doesn’t know that my random text is just a check-in not an imposition. He doesn’t know I appreciate attentiveness. Nor does he know how random hangouts with no expectations are my favorite. My guy friends know all of these things even if they are subconsciously and therefore respond accordingly. They are attentive, responsive, and also up for randomness.

I don’t have to ask or explain, they are just there. Guys I date aren’t though and I don’t know why. I can’t remember an awkward adjustment period with my guy close friends. We just figured it out from the beginning and went with it. Even if it took a moment to figure each other out, we did it in a moment not days, months, or a year.

I know, I know these are just guy friends, but if they care to get me better than guys I date… Where’s the respect because my guy friends are only benefitting from the friendship aspect?

I suppose the truth is my guy friends spoil me in return for friendship or they are just great guys. Either way maybe someday I will meet a guy to date that will spoil me too. Not with riches and means, but with attentativeness, responsiveness, and his time. Until then I will probably remain a girl spoiled by her guy friends.

Considering References

In the working environment and throughout the interview process, references typically have their validity considered based off of the scenario in which they know the employee. Why do we not transfer that same thought process into our social or dating life?

Too many times we ask for or hear a reference but don’t consider the source. Perhaps we are wondering if so and so is a fun person to hang out with and we asked one of their coworkers. The case may be that the coworker has never hung out with the person after work. Would they actually be a good reference? Maybe not because the reference could be based only on the person’s work personality and would not fully answer the reference question you asked.

Likewise asking for a reference about a person but not clarifying that it’s a reference about dating might not get you a valid reference. The reference may say the person is a great person and he/she may be except for the dating aspect where that person you are referencing doesn’t have any true reference to give. For example, most guys wouldn’t have any idea what kind of boyfriend their buddy is or wouldn’t think of breaking the “bro-code” by bashing their bud and his relationships skills or lack thereof. How does this translate? The reference comes as “Yeah he’s a great guy.” The actual translation: “Yeah he’s a great guy.” That statement says nothing about how he is in a relationship. You didn’t ask the right person or right question to have a real answer about how he is in a relationship.

Another social reference you must beware of is asking if someone is a good person. Since they can have one identity with you and a total different attitude with others, which is similar to buttering you up. In this situation perhaps you should ask for more references if you care to know how others perceive this person. To make it even more complicated, you might even need to make sure the reference and you have similar definitions of what makes a good person.

Then there are the skewed references that have heard some hearsay but don’t actually know the person. Sure anybody can trash anyone but that doesn’t mean they have the correct information. Most times this reference is unsolicited and decides you just must know what trouble they’ve heard. Of course there could be some unforeseen validity to what this person is saying. Just make sure you consider that person’s source and how they received the information.

Regardless, if you’re going to ask for a reference and sometimes you should, be sure always to consider what you are actually asking about, who you are asking for this information to, and make sure you ask more questions to clarity if you need to do so. Then perhaps you will have the full view of the situation.

Not everyone is wise enough to answer or ask reference questions properly or appropriately. One thing we could do to assist and make sure we are being the best reference we can be, when we are asked, or when the situation arises. Typically this requires you having an open awareness and not being a skewed reference yourself. Oh and maybe some mind reading skills as well. Just make sure you are answering the questions to the best of your knowledge and possibly use an example or two because that allows the other person to make their own call.

Hopefully, with a couple of these insights we can all become better reference getters or givers. Fortunately and unfortunately, the best reference of all is time. Just remember as time passes to consider your references.

Dating Baggage

The thing about dating in your mid 20’s and on is that you not only get a person to date, you also get their baggage.

Baggage: interesting little suitcases of life experience sometimes sitting openly out in the hallway, other times tucked not so neatly in the corner, and of course the carefully hidden in the secret places type.

Whatever type it is, it affects the person, the personality, and the behaviors they bring to the dating relationship. Of course there are also various amounts that each person exhibits or carries with them.

Where do they pick it up? Anywhere from childhood to present day. Some comes from family, friends, and of course past relationships. The relationship baggage seems to be the most interesting. Dare to pry it open and who knows what you might find.

Perhaps you might even find out why your significant other always sits on a certain side of the couch, only eats at certain restaurants, tells you how much you are appreciated or, fears constantly that if you are not happy you will leave them.

The sucky part is when it affects you and your relationship with the other person or the lack thereof a relationship in certain cases with a large amounts of baggage.

Like the times when baggage prevents a certain person from even considering a relationship. The fear of failure again, or being hurt again, and the possibility of being lied to again; can overshadow the desired potential to want to be with someone.

In this case, the person may believe all they want about the baggage, but they never checked it at the door and they are caring it around the living room like it is tray of hors d’oeurves. It may fool a few but most people know the difference between hors d’oeurves and baggage.

Some people like other people’s baggage. They like to even carry it around for them so the baggage owner can pretend a little longer that it is not there. The sad part is, carrying someone else’s baggage as if it is your own and them still not dealing with it has the potential of keeping them unhealthy. It can also make the baggage borrower go a little insane because they are carrying baggage that is not theirs and not being able to do anything about it. After all, it is not their baggage so no matter how much they want to they can’t make the decision to deal with it and they are semi-enabling the baggage owner not to deal with it.

Is it bad to have baggage? Not necessarily. There really is no way to avoid having it. The most important part is to recognize it for what it is and deal with it. If you are dealing with it then you know exactly what is in the suitcases and packages. They can’t surprise you one day when you are going through customs (a new relationship) and all of the sudden you find something that makes you push away from the relationship and have no idea why. Instead with the knowledge of your baggage you aren’t surprised by the content, rather you accept it for what it is and recognize your reactions when it is exposed.

When you are dealing with your baggage you might even get so good at knowing the contents you can leave some of it behind. What a relief that is, being able to walk in a situation with a little less to carry in.

Knowledge of your baggage isn’t easy though. The process of self-awareness is scary and doesn’t come easily. It also requires a bit of ownership on the baggage carrier’s part. The knowledge of your baggage is power though. This is the type of power that can help a person to be almost baggage free and the ability to jump into a dating situation openly, even if it is with caution. The person you are dating will appreciate that especially if they are a healthy enough person to have been dealing with their own baggage.

Will all the baggage ever be gone? Certainly not. It can be easier to load bear though. When you are aware of it, it is easier the carry. Therefore, bringing it into a dating relationship makes it a little easier for both of you to date baggage.

All of the Times When We Didn’t Know We Were Saying Goodbye

Being single in your 20’s and dating is a very interesting sort of thing. It’s definitely not for the faint at heart. Nor is it for the hard hearted, at least in my experience anyway. You meet someone, you talk to them/text to them, decide on an opportunity to meet again and then…

Well here’s where it gets more interesting. The road can go one or two ways at this point: Hello or Goodbye.

I’ve had my fair share on both ends so please don’t think I’m a bitter single chick just ranting. Rather I am attempting to shed some light on a subject of my interest.

So here are the hellos. Hello, let’s continue to go with the original hellos of talking/texting each other. Hello, let’s hang out casually with other people involved, but it’s one more opportunity to determine if we should spend more time together. Hello, how about we go on another date or meeting up again? Hello, from this point as a single that is truly looking to be in a relationship I hope there are many more hellos and meet ups. Hello, I am truly serious want more one on one dating sort of hellos with you. The more hellos the more chance of this actually creating a relationship.

Then there are the goodbyes. Goodbye, it was great meeting you...and you never hear from them again. Goodbye, via a phone call/text message and there is never another hello, even if you send a casual message after weeks of nothing (hey people get desperate and both sexes do this). Goodbye, lets figure out sometime next week to meet up and next week never comes. Goodbye, oops I forgot to tell you that I’m moving away or my job/life now consumes my life so I don’t have time for you anymore. Goodbye, while we were hanging out I met someone else that I would like to start saying hello to more than you. Goodbye, our circles do not intermingle anymore so we might not see or speak to each other ever again. No doubt a goodbye, that one or the other does not see coming typically never leads to another hello.

The strangest part to me is how quickly it can either be hello or goodbye. There is often no way to tell in the beginning which direction you are headed. I’ve definitely been on dates with guys that I absolutely adored until I got home after the date and thought about it. Then, when I got his next hello I had to tell him as nicely as I could goodbye and that it probably wasn’t best for us to see each other again. He didn’t even see it coming, he had no idea he was saying goodbye.

Does it always work out this way for me? I wish!!! Oh I’ve had my share of goodbyes and didn’t know it. I had absolutely no idea that Mr. Meet Me on Wednesday at 6, would not ever meet me again on Wednesday at 6. I’ve also had the talk me up on the phone, but never follow through, so since we’ve taken this long, I guess this is never going to happen…didn’t know we were saying goodbye but goodbye.

It just happens and no matter how nice one or the other tries to be about it, most of the time it’s just goodbye and there was no way to be prepared or know about it. Then, it becomes just like all those other times when we were saying goodbye and didn’t know about it.