10 Reasons Why Our Culture prevents us from Successful Marriage

1. Proximity is Not an Issue
2. Dreams of Fairytales and Swimsuit Models
3. Selfishness and the Inability to Self-Sacrifice
4. The Inability to be Flexible
5. Overwhelming and Instant Communication
6. Over-occupation (Too Many Things to Do)
7. The Grass is Greener and there’s Always plentyoffish.com
8. The Non-Necessity of a Partner
9. You Can’t Make Someone Else Change or Want to Change
10. The Inability to Commit

It won’t take you pondering long to realize how non-conducive our society is for relationships. I believe these next ten points can certainly be applied to the married and unmarried regarding the effects our society and culture can have on our opportunities for successful relationships. If you’re already married take heed. For those of us hoping for marriage someday, regardless of relationship status, take notice. One or many of these could be you or someone you’re interested in.

1. Proximity is Not an Issue
Back in the day when marriage came about because of who your neighbors were and/or who visited them, the opportunity to marry someone from the other side of the country was rare. This worked really well because, well you just “fell in love” and got married to someone who was the most suitable and then made it work. Think of all the sweet love stories we hear about couples celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. They know how to make the best of their relationship regardless of how they met. A million choices of who to be with wasn’t really an option so they worked with what they had. Sometimes choice isn’t the best scenario when deciding on a life-long partner. Gasp, you mean you can really have love with someone that isn’t a perfect fit? Surprisingly so and people have been doing it for years!

Proximity in this situation also means that more than likely both parties involved came from similar cultural, environmental, and societal norms. It just turns out that the more common couples have in those areas, the easier it is to connect.

2. Dreams of Fairytales and Swimsuit Models
Let’s just be honest here, most things that we take in come out. It can either be from our mouths or just in our head that leads to our actions. Therefore, the more fairytales we believe about the amazingly always romantic and non-faltering prince or the perfect not a blemish or dimple on her body super model, the more we put a spouse on some sort of unattainable pedal stool.

Think of these thoughts as some sort of beautiful Frankenstein created by all of your favorite attributes. In the end the person will not always act or look like what you want? You might as well force yourself to get over that fantasy if you ever want to have a successful marriage. Especially considering that you yourself are not a perfect princesses or a GQ model.

3. Selfishness and the Inability to Self-Sacrifice
Face it! We are very selfish people. This is nothing new but because of our ability to get most things we want, we somehow believe we deserve to have it our way. When in all actuality we could benefit from a good deal of self-denial. I’m not saying give until you’re empty and frustrated because you compromised way too much. Rather think about giving more. You might be surprised about how much easier and fulfilling your life and relationships can be.

4. The Inability to be Flexible
Hand in hand with sacrifice is flexibility. Whether you are trying to meet your spouse later in life or are trying to figure out how to keep living with them; you must know how important it is to be flexible. Bend for the situation and try not to get your undergarments in a twist so easily. You will more than likely be surprised at how good it can feel and how the other reciprocates.

5. Overwhelming and Instant Communication
Reba’s song “Why Haven’t I Heard from You” comes to mind when I think about this. At most points during the day we have 7+ different ways we can communicate: in person, phone call, text message, email, social network, instant message, letter, and I’m sure I’m missing something.

With all these also comes the frustration of not hearing soon enough and not hearing right away. Believe it or not there can be a benefit for having to wait to communicate. Perhaps we’ve heard about thinking before we speak? It can also be beneficial to have less opportunity to say the wrong thing. Most importantly we could all use a good lesson in shutting up and when to shut off. Surprisingly, it is kind of important sometimes to not be connected to the phone or internet in order to truly absorb the time and presence of someone else.

6. Over-occupation (Too Many Things to Do)
Think of your average day and how much actual downtime you really have. I mean real time when you are not at work, getting something ready, driving, checking things on the internet, watching TV, or attending an event. If you’re single how you do fit someone into that and if you’re married where is there room for quality time? I’m not saying we should be bored but given the opportunity it might be necessary to do less in order to do more for a relationship.

7. The Grass is Greener and there’s Always plentyoffish.com
When do you decide that I’m going to stick to this because it’s a good thing instead of thinking who else is out there? For some people this thought never ends even if they’re married. Stop it! You’ll just end up eating grass from a strange field and still feeling unsatisfied. Most times instead of plentyoffish.com all you really need is a reminder of how great the person you already have is. Stand back and make a positive list if you need to, but please don’t forget to at least consider that person’s positives while you are fantasizing about someone else’s who is not your reality.

8. The Non-Necessity of a Partner
In case we haven’t noticed, we mostly no longer live on farms or need a mom and pop to run the family business. Heck, children aren’t even needed anymore to help out with the family doings. To go further, spouses aren’t even required for providing the necessities of life or social events for status. That means it is no longer necessary to find a spouse to marry. Thank you society and culture, except for the fact that most of us are designed for companionship. Unfortunately, since it is not required we are never forced to actually do something about the desire for companionship. What does that equal? Maybe bunch of people not trying to be in a fulfilling relationship because their circumstance does not require them to be. Is this really benefitting us?

9. You Can’t Make Someone Else Change or Want to Change
Whether you’re in a committed marriage or trying to decide if your last date can turn into something more; one of the most important things you can learn about in any relationship is that you can’t make people change. So don’t start a relationship with someone that you can’t be with if they cannot change certain things about themselves.

What really needs to be done is you decide if you can get with him/her or stay with him/her regardless of change. It just happens to turn out many times that the best way to create an environment for change is the have an environment of support.

10. The Inability to Commit
If anyone tries to tell me we don’t have these issues as a society I could in 2 seconds have you mention a friend or family member that can’t commit. It’s an epidemic. The strangest part is how easily we commit to gym memberships, phone contracts, and leases/mortgages. However, when it comes to another living breathing human being it is not possible to commit to something that you’ve already spent a month of Friday’s investing in. Take a chance, that’s what all of those other commitments are about anyway. The future is and will always be uncertain.

Worry…Borrowing Problems

I myself am not a woman that worries. It’s not how I’m wired nor is it how I operate. To me it is a waste of time and effort. I’d rather trust that things will be taken care of, than worry about them.

I heard a quote once that said, “Worrying is borrowing problems.” I totally agree. People can get so caught up fixating on a situation and worrying about its outcome that they in fact “borrow” or create problems in the present.

Why do that? Why create more of a problem by worrying? Why not trust that it will come out alright?

It could be because we do not have the ability or the tools to trust. This form of trust comes from genealogy, environment, and belief beyond us. It may not be in your genes to trust; perhaps no generation of your family has been able to live without worry. There might not have ever been in your environment, people who do not worry. If your mother was a worrier whether by genes or environment you are more likely to be a worrier, because it is a learned trait. Worriers don’t always know that it will be alright if they don’t worry.

It might be that they just don’t have a knowledge that it will be alright unless they worry. They don’t actually know that whether we worry or not, it doesn’t make a difference in the outcome. They think that we have to worry because that is the only way to help solve the problem and that our worrying actually makes a difference in the resolve. It is as if they are trying to worry enough about it because if they don’t, there is not something bigger than themselves that can take care of it.

Perhaps the issue is that they don’t have anything or anyone bigger than them to trust to take care of them and the problem. To me, that person is God. He is big enough to trust. I choose to trust Him instead of worrying. He is even big enough to see the resolve and see the big picture. Someone deciding to worry is choosing not to trust God.

Does that mean everything is totally ok then if I’m trusting God? I would ay no. But, we are not called to worry. It doesn’t help us with the situation, rather it hurts us. Worriers have more tendencies towards health and mental issues due to the fixation on the problems. Someone who is a worrier is more likely to have ulcers and anxiety than a non-worrier. Worriers also have the potential of harmed relationships due to the guilt produced from worry.

From example, I do not worry very much, I may find myself concerned from time to time, but that involves me asking about something then letting it go. When I find out someone is worrying about me it actually makes me more distant from them. Mostly because I feel guilty that they are concentrating on something I may be doing and not letting it go. Then to get rid of the guilty feeling I distance myself from that person. I’d rather them just ask me about it if they have to, then let it go.

We are not called to worry whether you are a believer or not. You can see by various evidences that worry actually has no important purpose. Worry does not solve problems, action does. Worrying does not change situations, people change situations. Worry also does not create healthy emotions like trust and faith rather it distracts from them.

So may I please ask you to look inside yourself and truly find out why you are worrying? Does it really have a valid reason to be in your life? Does it really make a difference or is it just borrowing problems?

Hope in General

It is of positive human nature to have goals and aspirations. I too am human and have goals and aspirations. However, now I am at a place in my life where my goals and aspirations aren’t necessarily specific.

When I was younger it was easy to name specific goals such as getting a car, going to college, and getting a good job. Now that those goals are obtained it is a little more difficult to focus on a specific goal.

Maybe it is because I feel like I am in less control of my ability to attain my goals. My goals now are thinks like eventually getting a promotion, finding a significant other, and maybe having a family. All of these goals partially include me but they also equally involve other people.

Attaining these goals requires hope in people beyond me and things beyond my control. How then if that is the case, can I hope specifically? How can I say that new position is mine and that I will it to be mine by the end of the year? Also, how could I be so bold to tell someone else that they will be in a relationship with me because it is one of my goals?

I can’t do those things and I can’t know that they will actually happen. So really I can’t hope in specific anymore because the specific goals are out of my control. Instead I have learned to hope in general.

Hope in general says that something good and positive will continue in my life. Hope in general doesn’t say that I will have my own family in 3.5 years. It says that in 3.5 years I will still have positive opportunities of some kind as long as I’m still here on earth.

Therefore, hope in general doesn’t allow for the disappointment of goals not attained. It doesn’t make a person frustrated because this or that didn’t’ come to fruition. To me, hope in general prevents a person from feeling like a failure because something that was partially out of their control didn’t happen. That is why at this point in my life I choose to hope in general.

Know Me

Many people do not know how or want to get to know people anymore. It is so much easier to just sit on the sidelines of life and not get hurt or dirty by interacting personally with others. Not that we have to get to know everyone and everything about them, but it is important to take a chance every once in a while.

I have taken plenty of chances in my life and still have plenty more to take. I don't claim to be an expert but I do believe I make a fair effort where one is due. Perhaps I take a more intentional approach at this than others because I am a more serious person. I suppose this is because you never know who might be your next casual acquaintance, good friend, or significant other. Sometimes all it takes is a little small talk and good listening to see who the other person really is.

The fun part is that you can get to know someone even when you both are totally goofing off and not being serious. It is as simple as taking in clues from what is said or done.

Why does it seem though that more often than not I'm the one getting to know the other person while they are just hanging out in the moment? Are so many meetings of people so shallow that people don't take the time anymore go deep enough to determine who the other person is? How selfish and impersonal is that?

I mean seriously, there are people that I have known for over a year that couldn't even tell you where I work or that I like to have a flexible social schedule. Not that everyone has to know those things about me but for someone not care enough for another human being that they see on a regular basis is just sad to me.

Oh and don't get me started on how this shows up in a dating situation. I know I'm not the type of person that will spill her guts at first meeting but if you're paying attention (even a little) I will tell you a ton of things about myself including the fact that I appreciate and respect honesty. Actually I encourage it as well as responsiveness. Though apparently that alludes some people that I've dated and somehow they totally missed that. Really? You missed that? I mean after a year of on and off dating you never figured that out?

In that type situation all I can say is "you never even tried to get to know me." Not once, otherwise you would probably be able to at least know how to talk to me or know to talk to me and how important that is.

What do call that? What do you call the general disrespect of a follow individual? So much disrespect that you actually put your personality characteristics on them because you don't know enough about them to know they are nothing like you.

In the words of Stephanie Tanner from Full House "How rude!" People come with all different types of personalities and to believe automatically that someone is just like you when evidence proves otherwise is incredibly narcissistic. More than that you are cheating them out of the human right to be understood and lumping them into a group where they do not belong.

Think about yourself. Do you want to be lumped into some group and stereotyped? Wouldn't you rather have someone notice special facts about you? Isn't it more personal to show care and concern for who others are as individuals?

I know in the circle of people I hang out with and especially people that I would consider dating, I prefer that the other person at least attempt to get to know me. It helps me know that their actions are intentional. It also helps me see if they have the ability to care about others and think about someone besides themself from time to time. Truthfully, though doesn't everyone at some point appreciate a conversation or situation when they can leave saying, "that person really does know me."

Why don't we take the chance then or opportunity? How about we try to listen up a little better or verify our facts from time to time? Can we not take the opportunity to close our mouths long enough that we can actually take in what the other person is saying? I believe if we did it would be a rarer occasion that we'd hear the complaint "You don't even know me."