Genderial Influence

Why does is matter? Why do I care? So what if chemically and physically he is male. Why does being male make me react so differently than if he were not?

Why does it make me care more about his opinions? I notice more when I get attention from males. I appreciate the time we spend together more. I’m able to be more mellow and calm. I’m even able to see myself in a different way in reflection to how he acts around and about me.

It doesn’t even have to be a specific “HIM” just a him. Then every reaction in me is different: anger, fear, rejection, kindness, and humor is different if a male is involved.

I hate that a specific gender can have such an impact on me. There is not a true understanding why either. Sure I’ve had good men in my life, but I’ve had crappy ones too.

It matters though. Matters in how I see myself. Makes a difference about whether or not I’m comfortable in a situation. Alters the perception of myself in a circumstance. It even changes my reaction and actions.

I could careless many times what females think but what guys think, matters the more to me. Sure my girls love me (I don’t take that for granted EVER), but all the love from all of those girls seems to be in the shadow of how my guys feel about me. If something is messed up between me and one of my guys, I will fix it 10 times faster than an issue with a girl. I’ll even put up with more crap from a guy then I ever will a girl.

Sometimes though, the pendulum does swing and a guy lets me down. Sure it’s a hard hit but it hits me totally different than when a girl lets me down. Suddenly I question what I might have done to cause this. Even though rationally I know the guy is responsible too, for his actions. I still can’t help my gut reaction.

This thought and feeling about guys has always been with me, even from childhood. Not only does it affect my immediate surroundings but also those I have left behind. For this specific reason is why I knowledgeably keep guy friends “on call.” Literally, all over the country. Guys that I know care for me deeply no matter how long it’s been since we’ve talked. It’s a kind of therapy to call one of them up. A therapy I couldn’t be more grateful for.

I know these things and I recognize them. There is even some understanding of them. I know I’m not alone in these feelings so I don’t really try to hide it. It will always be there. Even if it has an influence on how I see myself. My hope is, it can only make me better because of me trying to improve.

Don’t get me wrong, I have a strong sense of self and self esteem. However, I am not blinded by the fact that it is also influenced by the male species. That they unknowingly play into how I view myself.

Are they responsible? Maybe partly. Although, I will always have my own reasons why I do this. I don’t have all the answers why. Though I do know a few, but the reasons are different for everyone. Maybe there is some kind of safety I find in my reasoning.

I know this might and probably will change some day, but for now I consider it one of my crazy coping mechanisms in this chaotic time period I’m given called life. Afterall, it can't hurt to try to continuously improve, no matter how the change is brought about.